Sunday, February 22, 2009

Yet Another Academy Awards Running Diary

The other night, I was at a big family dinner and we pulled out a game involving cards with questions on them. You're supposed to read the questions and then go around the room to get each person's reactions, thoughts, comments. One question asked, Would you rather win an Academy Award, Olympic medal, or the Nobel Peace Prize. Immediately, I knew my answer. Academy Award, all the way. Here's why: let's say you win the Nobel Peace Prize. Guess what? There's still war. People are still going to kill one another. Maybe you helped a bit, but probably not. An Olympic medal? What's that worth these days? Michael Phelps won a record eight medals in the last Summer Olympics. Look at him now. First, commentators question whether he is the best athlete ever, and some ridicule that he's just a swimmer, not a real "athlete." Then he gets busted smoking pot out of really big bong. He loses his endorsements. Critics call for his medals. He questions whether he will return to swim in the 2012 Olympics. Let's not even mention the number of doping allegations, steroid-use, Marion Jones, performance-enhancing drugs, medals forfeited, etc. Nope, give me Oscar. Pure, gold-plated britannium on a black metal base. Yummy.

And winning an Academy Award provides the greatest gift of all: the acceptance speech.

Some speeches are gripping, inspiring, sappy, crappy, boring, really boring, mind-numbingly boring, sweet, touching, stupid, insipid, etc.

Here are some examples:

Charlie Kaufman, Best Original Screenplay, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
[trying to keep his speech brief] Thanks to the Academy. 29 seconds. 27 seconds. That's really intimidating. I'll try to look somewhere else.

Kim Basinger, 1998 Academy Awards
I just want to thank everybody I've ever met in my entire life.

Hilary Swank, Best Actress, Million Dollar Baby
I don't know what I did in this life to deserve all of this. I'm just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream.

Steven Spielberg, Best Director, Saving Private Ryan
Am I allowed to say I really wanted this? This is fantastic.

Angelina Jolie, Best Supporting Actress, Girl, Interrupted
I'm in shock. And I'm so in love with my brother right now, he just held me and said he loved me.

Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting
Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

James Cameron, Best Director, Titanic
I am the king of the world!

And you get the point.

So here we are. It's almost time for the Academy Awards to start. The Barbara Walters special, the red carpet arrivals, and then the main event. I'm going, if you'll allow me, to narrate the evening's festivities for you. Every step of the way, with short breaks for (a) commercials, (b) dinner, (c) an occasional snack (I'm thinking popcorn, guacamole, etc.), and (d) the occasional bathroom pit-stop. Other than those brief interruptions, it's game-on! Diary-style. You'll get my reactions, witty comments, and perfectly unrelated tangential anecdotes where appropriate. All for free. So sit back, relax, and soak it all in.

Barbara Walters Special:

6:59 - Just made it. I finished cooking broccoli rabe, turkey meat sauce with Portabella mushrooms and onions and whole wheat pasta with freshly-grated Parmagiano-Reggiano cheese. And now I can't wait to make fun of Barbara Walter's self-importance. Up on deck are the Jonas Brothers, Anne Hathaway, Mickey Rourke, and Hugh Jackman (who's hosting the Awards).

7:01 - It's her 28th Academy Award Special. Wow, she's old.

7:02 - What to look forward to: Three things you can't do with an Oscar as told by Mickey Rourke. I'm betting one isn't snorting coke off its anthropomorphic genitalia.

7:03 - How in the world is she interviewing the Jonas Brothers? What movie were they in? I mean give me a freakin' break. They're like Hanson with brown hair.

7:04 - This broccoli rabe is awesome. It's like I always say, better ingredients, better pizza.

7:07 - So they are making a film. It's called Jonas, which is apparently a way-pussed out Gimme Shelter. Uh oh. the young one has an eating disorder!

7:08 - Oops, actually Diabetes. Now, I feel bad.

7:09 - He also has freckles like Connect-the-dots on his face. It's weird. They look shockingly equidistant.

7:11 - Barb's bringing the tough questions: So who's dating who? What's up with Miley Cyrus? Are you tapping it (more or less)?

7:12 - Those freckles look like three Big Dippers on his face. I wonder if anyone has devoted any attention to the position of freckles on people's faces and bodies and personality types based on such placement.

7:17 - Anne Hathaway ("AH"). Never been a big fan of her looks-wise. I'm also glad I didn't see that movie, Rachel Getting Married.

7:18 - Okay we get it, she's played a princess three times. Personally, I don't see how an actress can win an Academy Award and still be in Bride Wars. But, hey, Jamie Foxx won for Ray, but still made Stealth. I guess it balances out over time.

7:19 - On HD, her face looks almost as wide as Julia Roberts, which is metaphorically the same width as the Grand Canyon. But I'm beginning to change my tune. She's cute from the eyes up.

7:20 - Are you kidding me? She hoped to be nominated? And she admits that? Yeah, I took this role thinking, Oscar nod, here I come!! A bit off-putting.

7:21 - Barbara, fyi, acting isn't that hard. An awful childhood isn't a prerequisite.

7:22 - Her parents have been married for 28 years because of "great sex." Barbara is bringing her A-game.

7:24 - AH passed up cocaine at a college party. Too bad her name isn't Mickey Rourke.

7:27 - And Mickey Rourke's up. Barbara's impressing me. She mentioned how his face looks ridiculous twice. Does she not know that she's interviewing him in two seconds? I think he looks like the Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta. My friend thought he looked like the Batman villain, Two-Face's, bad face on both sides. It's a toss up.

7:30 - I'm glad he's wearing over-sized eyeglasses. It covers a bit more of his face, which helps.

7:37 - Carrie Otis became a heroin addict? First I'm hearing about this.

7:38 - She sticks with the same questions she asked the Jonas Brothers, do you have anyone special?

7:39 - So his boxing career was basically the same as his role in The Wrestler. So was it really acting? If he wins, maybe we should really redefine what acting is. I mean, if someone cast Michael Jordan to play a basketball player in a movie, and he does a decent job, it's not called acting. It's called Space Jam.

7:40 - The three things you can't do with an Oscar (as stated by Mickey Rourke): Eat it, Fuck it, Use it to get into Heaven. I tend to agree with him on two.

7:45 - Hugh Jackman's ("HJ") wife is kinda busted. But he can dance like Fred Astaire. Makes sense.

7:48 - HJ has two adopted children. How come we only hear about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their adopted children? Is it because his wife is older and not that attractive? Maybe.

7:50 - I'm on the phone with my friend Dre. We're talking about Guy Ritchie's film, RocknRolla, and how it wasn't that good. And how there shouldn't be a sequel, which the movie ends by declaring there will be. He compared it to the end of Mac & Me, which I only recalled as "that movie with the kid and the alien." Apparently, it suggests a sequel as well.

7:53 - This interview is boring, thanks for ending on a high note, Barbara.

7:57 - Thank god I didn't change the channel, I just saw HJ give Barbara Walters a lap dance.

ABC Oscars, Red Carpet:

8:00 - Game time. We have Robin Roberts of Good Morning America and Tim Gunn of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, and Kate Winslet. Her dress is weird. Tim and her are talking designers and I don't know who they are talking about.

8:02 - Co-host is some random guy who is with Josh Brolin, nominated for Milk, and his wife, Diane Lane who is smoking hot. I still can't get over the fact that Josh Brolin was Brand in The Goonies. I see it, but don't see it.

8:03 - Tim Gunn is with Amy Adams, nominated for Doubt. She looks cute in a red dress with her red hair. I know he is gay, but he keeps pseudo-hitting on her, which is odd.

8:03 - There's Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. I thought they were breaking up or something, guess not. She announces there will be a Sex in the City sequel. So there's another movie I won't be watching.

8:04 - Next is Taraji P. Henson nominated for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I liked her in Hustle & Flow.

8:05 - Then Frank Langella who was nominated for Frost/Nixon. I passed on the movie because I saw him on Broadway in that role. Oh, that's sweet, he brought his daughter.

8:06 - Brad & Angelina show up just long enough for Tim Gunn to say that they are the most glamorous couple and otherwise adds nothing of value for those of us watching at home.

8:07 - Cut to commercial. Fyi, also on tv right now is Lake Placid 2, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and Gridiron Gang starring the Rock. Academy Award worthy, all of them.

8:08 - I think about switching channels to E!, but ABC is in HD and when you have HD, you can't trade down.

8:10 - Tim Gunn is doing some sort of expose on Valentino (the clothing designer) (not nominated for anything).

8:10 - The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire. It's very clear that Danny Boyle is not Indian (nominated for Best Director). One of the little Indian boys has a crush on Miley Cyrus. Join the club (j/k).

8:12 - Mickey Rourke's dog died and he's wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier and he brought his dead dog's tux with him. Not creepy at all.

8:13 - Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. She's really, really pretty, and he looks twelve years younger than Michael J. Fox did in Teen Wolf (which would make him a zygote).

8:13 - Robert Downey, Jr. nominated for Tropic Thunder, and his wife. I feel like Mickey Rourke is stealing all of Robert Downey, Jr.'s comeback vibes. Hey, he contemplated suicide, too, damnit!

8:14 - Viola Davis nominated for Doubt. Who?

8:15 - Miley Cyrus looks awful, like a shimmery head of lettuce and she sounds like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby (which isn't good).

8:16 - Anne Hathaway, yet again. Her mouth is really wide, yet again.

8:18 - I think the Nasonex commercial where Antonio Banderas provides the voice of the cute, animated bee is his best work since Take the Lead.

8:19 - PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants. Could they have picked two bigger-looking dorks?

8:20 - Meryl Streep and some really hot girl...wow, her daughter? The apple fell a mile from that tree.

8:21 - Penelope Cruz nominated for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Which makes me wonder, what was she doing with Tom Cruise? Did he pay her? A lot?

8:22 - Richard Jenkins nominated for The Visitor. I liked him in Step-Brothers. Now, that's the movie he should've been nominated for. His wife looks proud, that's sweet.

8:23 - Jack Black and his wife, Tanya, providing more humor than he has in his past four films, not including Kung Fu Panda (I didn't see it, but I heard good things).

8:24 - Marisa Tomei nominated for The Wrestler wearing Versace and dressed a bit like Kate Winslet. She's still got it.

8:25 - Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Judd Apatow. It's weird how unfunny funny people can be when they try to be funny. Unless it was me. I can pull that off.

8:26 - Looking at documentary piece on the design of the Awards show when obviously we should still be looking at actresses in evening gowns. ABC's Red Carpet show has officially dropped the ball. Luckily it's almost over.

8:28 - Maybe this running diary was a bad idea. I'm already yearning for a snack, but I'm too lazy to go to the kitchen and get it.

81st Annual Academy Awards :

8:30 - Game time! Cue Hugh Jackman. I hope he's somewhat funny or, at least, pulls out his Wolverine claws and goes berserk on the audience.

8:32 - Channeling his inner Billy Crystal.

8:34 - Getting a snack. Now seemed the opportune time.

8:35 - Not Anne Hathaway again. She's getting carried on stage and singing a duet with HJ. I guess she's winning Best Supporting Actress...not.

8:38 - "I told you that boy could sing."

8:39 - Jeez, how many times is he going to thank Anne Hathaway? Apparently 14.

8:40 - Where's Jack Nicholson? There's H-Jack's first bombed joke. I had it at 4 minutes in. Should've taken the over.

8:42 - Some weird actress montage for no reason, but allegedly something to do with Meryl Streep, but not.

8:43 - Actually, it is related to Best Supporting Actress. What happened to last year's Best Supporting Actor announcing the winner? Was it like this last year?

8:45 - This whole concept is long-winded, but Whoopi Goldberg just made a solid Sister Act joke. I'm trying to suppress thinking about Sister Act 2.

8:46 - Goldie Hawn's face looks a bit like Mickey Rourke's. Not a good thing.

8:47 - Penelope Cruz won. Just like everyone said she would. I hate when actors acknowledge the ticking clock during their acceptance speeches. We get it. You don't have an hour to thank everyone you ever met in your life.

8:49 - She said "Art is the universal language." I always thought it was math.

8:53 - Steve Martin and Tina Fey (who's looking good) presenting Best Original Screenplay and providing more jokes than H-Jack's entire opening bit. I'm going with Milk, but I think Wall-E should win. That movie was creative and awesome.

8:56 - Two for two. Milk wins. Sean Penn is smiling and clapping.

8:57 - The camera pans to Sean Penn, again. The screenwriter is gay, which makes sense.

8:58 - Good speech.

8:59 - Steve Martin and Tina Fey, still up there presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. Gotta go with Doubt. I saw the play on Broadway, it was great. Then again, I saw Frost/Nixon on Broadway, it was great, too. Maybe I should go with Frost/Nixon. I'm going with Frost/Nixon.

9:01 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. Now, I'm serious, the movie wasn't that good. The screenwriter is also not Indian, but he had a funny opening joke that he apparently wrote beforehand and memorized.

9:03 - Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presenting Best Animated Film. Is Hugh Jackman done hosting for the evening?

9:04 - Wall-E has this locked down. It should have been nominated Best Picture, it was that good.

9:05 - They are doing an 2008 Animated film montage. I, like everyone else, forgot that there was a movie made last year called, Space Chimps. Thanks Academy for reminding us.

9:06 - Oscar goes to...Wall-E. Told ya. Three for four! Feeling it!

9:08 - Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black still here presenting Best Animated Short. Paging Hugh Jackman. Paging Hugh Jackman.

9:09 - I haven't seen any of these (or heard of them), so obviously I'm going with Oktapodi. Although my heart says, Lavatory Love Story. I love a good bathroom story. La Maison en Petits Cubes wins. No one, and I mean, no one, saw this coming. Some asian guy saying "sank you" a lot and ending with "domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" is accepting for a French-looking animated film. Umm, okay.

9:15 - HJ is back from being halfway to Australia, and he's still not funny.

9:16 - Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig presenting Best Art Direction. He's James Bond, she's ugly, so they know what they are talking about. I'm going with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, although The Dark Knight should win.

9:17 - Benny Button. Four for five, suckas.

9:19 - Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are still around presenting Best Costumer Design. I'm picking The Duchess. I wonder if the Oscars are trying to save money on gift bags by doubling up on Oscar presenters. It's like a 2-for-1 special.

9:21 - I'm on fire. But I've always said, when picking Best Costume Design, always go with the European period piece.

9:22 - Make that 3-for-1. Parker and Craig are kicking it ol' school presenting Best Makeup. I'm going with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, although the Dark Knight should win again. When picking makeup always go with the film where makeup is used for character aging.

9:24 - It's Benjamin Button. Six for seven (for those keeping track).

9:25 - Now we have the chick from Mamma Mia and the dude from Twilight aka two people whose names I don't know. And based on their presenting, it will probably stay that way for the near future. They are doing some movie montage on how love was portrayed in 2008's movies. Anytime you have to show a scene from What Happens in Vegas, you're not putting together a quality montage. Oh, The Hulk gets a clip, cool.

9:31 - HJ is back for ten seconds, then leaves really fast. It's almost like they're worried he's about to lose his mind or something. Out come Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller, who's mocking Joaquin Phoenix, dressed in a black suit and fake beard. They are presenting Best Cinematography. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is choking back laughter. Natalie Portman looks good and is, unsurprisingly, as tall as Ben Stiller.

9:33 - His fake beard is ZZ Top-long.

9:34 - Ben Stiller is walking off by himself. It's getting a number of laughs. I'm picking Benjamin Button, although The Dark Knight, again, should win.

9:35 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. Really? Well, there's another white guy. Where are the Indians? This guy's pocket square looks like it's throwing up a smaller pocket square. His acceptance speech is by the numbers: thank wife, kids at home, should be sleeping, thanks director who is not going to win Best Director, yadda yadda yadda.

9:39 - Jessica Biel is presenting on behalf of the already presented Sci-Tech (Science-Technical) awards. Basically she shows up, tries to look good, says a couple lines, then leaves. None of the Sci-Tech people get any other acclaim. As it should be.

9:42 - Now we have a montage of Comedy movies. This appears to be a theme for the evening. Movie montages. We have Seth Rogen and James Franco reprising their roles from Pineapple Express (over-rated) making fun of dramas and comedies. There was a touching scene where James Franco as his Pineapple character is watching himself kiss Sean Penn in Milk.

9:45 - Recreating the "staple" scene from The Wrestler, ouch.

9:46 - James Franco, Janusz Kaminski, and Seth Rogen presenting for Best Live Action Short. My gut says New Boy, but my heart says New Boy. So I'm going with Manon on the Asphalt.

9:47 - The Oscar goes to the WWII, Nazi film, Spielzeugland (Toyland). From now on, I will always go with the WWII, Nazi film in the Best Live Action Short category.

9:48 - Commercial Break, time to RECAP: Number of Awards Chosen Correctly: 6. Number of Awards Chosen Incorrectly: 3. Percentage Correct: 66.7%.

9:52 - HJ (not dead) is back to singing and doing his "I love musicals" thing. Beyonce is singing now. I feel she's a bit over-exposed, lately. Didn't she do the inauguration?

9:57 - This musical number is killing me.

10:00 - I've been doing this for 3 hours. For those keeping track, I ate dinner, made guacamole, made microwave popcorn, ate dried fruit, and went to the bathroom three times. In other words, I'm well-prepared for the next hour and a half.

10:01 - And we're back. And HJ is nowhere to be seen. Best Supporting Actor montage leading the way to...

10:02 - Five past Best Supporting Actor winners doing the long, drawn out award thing that the Best Supporting Actresses did. Unfortunately, Whoopi Goldberg isn't here so no Eddie or Fatal Beauty reference.

10:03 - Alan Arkin just called Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman. I'd say that's a gaffe.

10:04 - Basically, who is James Gray?

10:05 - I think by taking risks, Cuba Gooding, Jr. meant starring in Boat Trip.

10:06 - Christopher Walken's voice just sounds cool. Even when he's stumbling over words.

10:07 - Heath Ledger is winning for The Dark Knight. Take it to the bank. Put it on my tab.

10:08 - Heath Ledger wins and who is getting the award? His father, mother, and sister. Not Michelle Williams. Standing ovation. It's touching.

10:09 - Although it is a bit weird for them to be thanking people on behalf of Heath Ledger. Anne Hathaway is near tears.

10:11 - Documentary montage come on down! Guy with wonky teeth, check. Girl dropping the F-bomb, check. I'm picking Man on Wire (btw).

10:13 - Bill Maher is presenting Best Documentary, and self-promoting.

10:14 - And further self-promotion. He must have a back-end deal on Religulous.

10:15 - Man on Wire takes it. Sweet. 8 for 11.

10:16 - The tight-rope guy went up there and did a magic trick with a coin. I was impressed. Then he balanced the Oscar on his chin. I was very impressed.

10:17 - Bill Maher goes again for Best Documentary Short Subject. I have no idea. Let's just say I was wrong. The Oscar goes to Smile Pinki. Yeah, I was leaning to one of the others. 8 for 12.

10:18 - What is up with this girl's dress? It has some weird back straps/flaps/? She looks like a flying squirrel (aka Sugar Glider).

10:22 - HJ brings us to the Action movie montage. Clips from Bond, Speed Racer, Batman, Wanted, Iron Man, Hulk, etc.

10:25 - Will Smith is here, acting like Will Smith, the way Will Smith always does (see Will Smith's entire career).

10:26 - Best Visual Effects. I have to go with The Dark Knight. My rule is always go with the biggest action film, which trumps Iron Man.

10:27 - The Oscar goes to the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I guess the Academy never got my Rules memo.

10:28 - Will Smith can't say "outstanding." He keeps wanting to say, "outstounding." He finally gets it on the third try, then he presents for Best Sound Editing. Again, my rule leads me to The Dark Knight. But Slumdog Millionaire is nominated and apparently winning everything.

10:29 - Take that Slumdog, Dark Knight with the win. 9 for 14. The guy who won isn't much of a public speaker.

10:30 - Will Smith is up for a third award (and still being himself), Best Sound Mixing. My rule leads me to The Dark Knight. I have no idea how the winners for these sound awards are selected. Are the Academy members watching these movies and thinking, yes, that was the right sound, mixed at just the right time?

10:32 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. And we have an Indian (awesome!) he dedicates the award to his country and all the sound mixers. There are two white guys there, too.

10:33 - Will Smith makes a good HJ is napping joke, which everyone is wondering because WS has now been on stage as long as HJ. WS (somehow) presents his fourth award for Best Film Editing. Dare I say, The Dark Knight? Not if I want to be right, but I'm sticking to my guns. Dark Knight, final answer.

10:35 - Oscar goes to Slumdog. Fyi, white guy. I think that's like four for Slumdog. I just noticed that the logo for the 81st Academy Awards is the number 8 beside an Oscar, which represents a 1. Very clever.

10:36 - Believe it or not, WS is leaving the stage.

10:40 - Okay, it's 10:40. I know because I just wrote that it's 10:40. Let's get to the good awards.

10:41 - Eddie Murphy in the house. He's presenting the Jean Hersholt award to Jerry Lewis who I never found funny and I'm interested in seeing how old he looks.

10:44 - He looks old. But not that bad. Standing O for Jerry. Robert Downey, Jr. does the slow clap.

10:45 - Sean Penn, Anne Hathaway, Anthony Hopkins reaction shots. Yes, that Anne Hathaway.

10:46 - Jerry was eloquent and brief. Two good qualities. Oh, look, there's Seal and Heidi Klum.

10:50 - HJ appears for his standard 25 seconds every 45 minutes. I think it's Best Score time because the orchestra is playing the scores from what are probably the nominated films. This is going almost as poorly as those damn, interpretive dance numbers from past Academy Awards shows.

10:52 - Wall-E is my sentimental pick, but I'm going with Slumdog Millionaire. Maybe it is...destiny.

10:53 - It's not that I didn't enjoy Slumdog Millionaire. I saw it on my birthday. I was really looking forward to seeing it. But everyone I spoke to who had seen it made it seem like it was unlike any other movie ever made. But it wasn't. It was a movie, one I'd seen many times before, but with Indians. Zac Efron and Alicia Keys announce that the Osar goes to A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire.

10:55 - Nice speech, but he, literally, ran off the stage. But luckily, Alicia Keys and Zac Efron are doing their best Will Smith impression, presenting another award, this time for Best Song. Oh that's why he dashed off, they are doing some Slumdog Millionaire song performance and he's singing. He's a talented guy.

10:57 - John Legend singing for Wall-E, I think. This song seems more likely, however, a song from Madagascar 2. Lots of African-inspired dress on the choir accompanying him.

10:59 - A.R. Rahman is back rocking out the vocals, Bollywood style. He's bouncing like 50 Cent in In Da Club.

11:01 - Two out of the three songs nominated are for Slumdog. So I'm picking Slumdog. And it's Slumdog, and the song is Jai Ho (that is the correct spelling). Danny Boyle is holding his hands to his face in glee (I suppose) although he looks apoplectic. A.R. Rahman had a choice between hate and love. "I chose love," he said. Amen.

11:05 - HJ is thanking the singers. He likes singers. Then he introduces Liam Neeson and the actress from Slumdog, Frieda Pinto, who are presenting Best Foreign Film. I pick The Class because it's the only one I heard anything about this week.

11:07 - The Oscar goes to Departures from Japan, which is about a guy who either (a) lives or (b) works in a morgue. I wasn't following. I'm going to say that was a huge upset. Huge. I have nothing to back up that claim, but it was HUGE.

11:10 - Queen Latifah is looking Queen-tastic! To think, she started as a hip-hop artist. She's singing a song leading up to the annual "In Memoriam" montage.

11:12 - Bernie Mac is dead. Michael Crichton died? When did that happen? I wonder if Heath Ledger will be up again. I remember he was there last year. Roy Scheider died. Isaac Hayes. Ricardo Montalban. Stan Winston (the special effects guy). Charlton Heston. Anthony Minghella. Sydney Pollack. Paul Newman. No Heath Ledger. Tough year.

11:18 - HJ almost made a political joke, but his writers forgot to finish it. Reese Witherspoon comes out, no doubt to present Best Actor. Just kidding, Best Director. She just said, "Grand Puba." It's getting late, so I'll let it slide. I'm picking Danny Boyle because it's been Slumdog all f'ing night. Personally, if he was going to win, it should've been for 28 Days Later.

11:20 - Danny Boyle, Slumdog, bamn! 12 for 20 (I think).

11:23 - Three awards left: Actor, Actress, Picture. I remember back in the good old days, Best Director was the award right before Best Picture. It appears that actors and actresses have taken that mantle from the directors. I didn't think Slumdog Millionaire was good enough to win Best Picture, but the way this night is going, you can't deny it. Actor, everyone says Mickey Rourke and I'll follow suit. Best Actress should be Kate Winslet. Basically, no surprises coming up.

11:25 - They keep showing that annoying clip from when Julia Roberts won for Erin Brockevich. Talk about annoying. I wonder which five winning actresses from year's past will be here tonight: Sophia Loren, Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, and Marion Cotillard. Sophia Loren is still hot. She must be 135, but she's still a fox. Shirley MacLaine, not so much. Standing O.

11:27 - Anne Hathaway is about to hyperventilate. She's already crying.

11:28 - Kate Winslet handles the praise heaped on her from Marion Cotillard a lot more maturely than Anne Hathaway who handled it like a high school girl losing her virginity.

11:29 - Halle Berry is bringing up Monster's Ball. We get it. You won. Then again, we probably forgot, so thanks for reminding us.

11:30 - I'm so glad Meryl Streep was nominated for Doubt so I can check out her daughter some more. I feel (slightly) dirty.

11:32 - The Oscar goes to Kate Winslet, just as predicted. No, it's not a shampoo bottle, Kate. It's gold-plated such and such.

11:34 - That was sweet, the A/V crew lit up the audience so she could find her dad. Shouldn't she be thanking Meryl Streep right now? That's what all the winners are required to do by official decree.

11:35 - If I was playing a drinking game, I would've had to do a car-bomb. Suck up to Meryl, check.

11:36 - And here come the actors. HJ is nowhere to be seen. Is he getting paid for this or did he just volunteer? The five actors are (please say Jack Nicholson): Robert De Niro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, and Michael Douglas. Solid selection. Standing O again.

11:39 - Maybe Frank Langella will pull this out like Alan Arkin did with Little Miss Sunshine, the old guy with little chance.

11:39 - Robert De Niro with the best joke of the night, at Sean Penn's expense (maybe he should host next year).

11:40 - Make that two good jokes, bada bing!

11:41 - I said it before, I'll say it again: Richard Jenkins was good in Step-Brothers.

11:41 - Anthony Hopkins is chewing the scenery like he's filming outtakes from Hannibal. I almost forgot Brad Pitt was nominated.

11:42 - Time to look at Mickey Rourke's face again. He's got Jack's trademark shades on. Ben Kingsley hits the nail on the head, "the returning champ."

11:43 - Uh, oh. Sean Penn wins for Milk. There goes straight-forward. [p.s. My hands smell like guacamole.]

11:45 - Applause for Gus Van Sant.

11:46 - Sean Penn gets political on gay marriage, in a good way. I didn't see the segue from gays to Mickey Rourke coming, but he pulled it off, in a good way.

11:47 - Steven Spielberg presents Best Picture. Slumdog, Slumdog, Slumdog. I'm going with Slumdog.

11:52 - And the Oscar goes to...

11:53 - Slumdog Millionaire. 14 for 23. Eh. Respectable.

11:55 - Here comes H-Jack to collect his paycheck for 10 minutes of work.

11:57 - Jai Ho. Goodnight.


Jared

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Act-Off: Who's on Worst?

It's an Act-Off. I apologize in advance if I try to come off like David Foster Wallace, but I've been reading his book, "Consider the Lobster," and it's fantastic, and I think that whenever you read an author who just floors you, inspires you, etc., you automatically try to imitate their writing, which I'm sure is subconsciously/actively occurring here (but I promise to have less footnotes). Either way, if you enjoy extremely well-articulated writing, well-thought-out arguments, and quality insight on seemingly simple, but actually complex topics then I highly recommend that you pick up "Consider the Lobster." End of sales pitch for which I received nothing.

Anyway, the reason we're here is, I made a joke the other day about Freddie Prinze, Jr. being the worst actor ever, but then I immediately thought of Casper Van Dien, who is atrocious, which begs the question, who is worse? And the only way to do both of them justice is to dig deep and evaluate who has less talent, and who, ultimately, should never be allowed to be in a movie that gets released in a theater ever again. It's an Act-off.

Admittedly, I'm thinking Casper Van Dien ("CVD") must be worse because he hasn't been in many movies, while Freddie Prinze, Jr. ("FPJ") has somehow been in more than five. But it's quality not quantity that is at issue (poor quality, in fact), so the only thing to do is jump right in.

FPJ's first acting role was on one episode of Family Matters where he played "Tough Guy." That casting director, hopefully, is not currently employed. [Editorial aside: then again, anyone acting across from Jaleel White's "Urkel" character was by default a "tough guy."] Then he starred as "Jeff" in an ABC Afterschool Special, called "Too Soon for Jeff," where Jeff, a high-schooler, had to deal with his girlfriend's pregnancy (apparently played by, of all people, Jessica Alba, who, although she also cannot act, is very hot, see below).

This "special" sets a realistic bar for FPJ in terms of IMDB.com ratings. Too Soon for Jeff received a rating of 3.5 out of 10 (125 people voting). In his defense, this was an afterschool special with more focus on message than quality plot-driven drama and entertainment, as is easily witnessed by the solitary "memorable quote" posted on IMDB.com:

Jeff: Don't talk about things you know nothing about.

Mega-actor Ed Begley, Jr. also stars.

After those forays into television, FPJ was cast in his first motion picture, To Gillian on her 37th Birthday, where he got to kiss Claire Danes. About the experience, FPJ acknowledges, "Kissing Claire was good. I was really nervous, though. I hadn't kissed many girls in real life." Thanks for the update, Fred. From there he received critical accolades (as I recall, but not supported in any way) in The House of Yes, which with a 6.4 out of 10 (3,875 votes) is an early front-runner for FPJ's highest rated film (according to the highly-biased individuals voting at IMDB.com*) [Editorial comment: the fact that FPJ has only a minor role in the film can't be ignored as a reason for its greater than 6.0 rating - this was really a Parker Posey picture.]

*More on this later.

From here FPJ starred next in his most recognizable role (in my opinion) as Jennifer Love Hewitt's boyfriend/potential serial killer (spoiler alert: he didn't do it) in I Know What You Did Last Summer. If this were Jeopardy, the answer being: What is not studying acting? At 5.3 out of 10 (30,888 votes) we see a regression towards the mean with respect to how well FPJ's films are received. In what will make more sense later, I can only hypothesize now that the reason for the +5.0 rating is again the result of other factors distinct from FPJ's performance (i.e., the size of JLH's breasts poking out in her mandatory Horror movie skank-tank).

Next is the movie Sparkler, which I defy anyone to have seen, including FPJ, his friends, closest family members, and the director. Capitalizing on the financial success of IKWYDLS (the film grossed $125.5 MM), the film's producers quickly released (the next year) the sequel I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, which reprised Mr. Prinze, Jr.'s role from the first movie (and also starred Brandy from TV's Moesha and her now non-existent R&B career, and Mekhi Phifer from the following films: Clockers, High School High, and 8-Mile). With a 4.0 out of 10 rating (19,587 votes) we have now entered what I will now call, "The FPJ Zone." The FPJ Zone is the string of consecutive FPJ starring films that range from 3.5 to 5.5 out of 10 (still on the ubiquitous IMDB.com scale). It's astonishing, the number of consecutive, major, mass-released films he was paid to act (I use this word in the traditional sense) in that couldn't even muster a better than 55% success rate (Defined term: success = whether an audience more often than not finds at least some merit in withstanding the length of the film and which I'm arbitrarily equating with at least a 5.5 out of 10 because it proves my argument more than 5.0 or 5.1 out of 10 does).

To illustrate this conflagration of wasted studio dollars, please see below:
  • 1998 - I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (4.0 - all ratings are out of 10) (6% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes*)
  • 1999 - She's All That (5.4) (37% RT)
  • 1999 - Wing Commander (3.6) (9% RT - Budget: $30MM; Domestic gross: $11MM)
  • 2000 - Down to You (4.4) (4% RT)
  • 2000 - Boys and Girls (4.8) (12% RT)
  • 2001 - Head Over Heels (4.8) (10% RT)
  • 2001 - Summer Catch (4.5) (7% RT)
  • 2002 - Scooby Doo (4.7) (28% RT)
  • 2004 - Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (the actual title) (4.8) (21% RT)
  • 2005 - Shooting Gallery (straight-to-video) (5.1) (N/A RT)
*Rotten Tomatoes is a film website known for compiling ratings and reviews from multiple sources and generating a "Fresh/Rotten" rating based on the number of positive reviews. In order for a "Fresh" rating, at least 60% of all reviews must be positive. Films with 75% positive reviews are "Certified Fresh." [Editorial analysis: The fresh factor may be a better indicator of film quality since it's composed of film critics (including people who have no real basis to consider themselves as film critics, but do anyway - e.g., Dustin Putman of TheMovieBoy.com; MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher; Fred Topel, Can Magazine; etc.) rather than the ratings on IMDB.com, which, as mentioned earlier, are just the votes of the general public who decided to waste their time voting on films. It leads one to believe that the reason why so many of FPJ's films received 10% or less fresh ratings, but on IMDB.com still received plus 4.0 ratings (when would expect to find a rating between 0.0 and 1.0) is twofold. First, non-film critics, as non-critics, are probably too nice and don't want to come off overly critical, thereby unintentionally adding a slight bump to a films' overall rating. Second, the number of viewers who really hated a movie, and who would rate it in the lower portion of the scale, are probably too disgusted with said film to waste any more of their time voting on how bad said film was on an internet website which otherwise has no effect on their lives. [Note: this is similar to the "used-car problem," where only the worst used-cars are available because any quality used-car never enters the marketplace because (a) the owner never sells or (b) the owner sells to a close personal contact. Here, the most seething (and, most likely, accurate) ratings never make it to the "marketplace."] There may also be a third reason: the viewing public, once it learns about a film's poor quality from respected critics, and supposing it values the critics' opinions in the first place, would logically be less likely to see the awful film and would, therefore, be unavailable to vote on its quality on IMDB.com (unless certain people just submitted their vote anyway, which could only be based on indirect third-parties' reviews and opinions since they never saw the film themselves, which I submit is disingenuous and probably too far-fetched to give credence to). Whereas, on the other hand, critics are required to see movies in order to review them for the public's benefit. So the ratings and reviews of critics are probably more represented than the reviews and ratings of the viewing public (noting, as a grain of salt, that critics are, by their very nature, critical).]

That's ten films in eight years, which are recognized far and wide as subpar. If you look at all of his films at Rotten Tomatoes, you'll see that zero of them were rated "Fresh." Not to belabor the point, but in over twelve movies, not one received a greater than 60% approval rate. No one's faulting FPJ for not getting nominated for an Academy Award. But he can't even make a film where you say, "yeah, that was a good movie," or whatever it is you would say after seeing a better than average flick. You wonder whether (a) everyone in Hollywood owes his agent something or (b) being married to Sarah Michelle Gellar is vastly more advantageous than simply being able to tell people that you're married to TV's Buffy.

Then he did some more television work (nothing that stands out) and then some more films, which also apparently went straight-to-video. [Side note: if they were released in theaters, then I was unaware of all of them, and never saw any advertising for any of them, which given the state of media and the proliferation of advertising seems unlikely.] Although, in his defense, a couple of those films did surpass 6.0 on the scale. None, however, surpassed 6.4.*

*No RT ratings were applicable.

One would think that by 2001, FPJ would stop getting casted. Summer Catch is really the watershed, when studios and casting directors should have come to an implicit agreement to blackball FPJ from Hollywood. This did not happen. Why not? We will get to that later.

Casper Van Dien made four feature (non-made-for-television) films. Three in theaters, one straight-to-video. Those movies were: Starship Troopers (a cult classic and his big break), Tarzan and the Lost City (the movie following his big break, which completely ruined any acting capital raised from starring in Paul Verhoeven's cult classic Starship Troopers), Sleepy Hollow (a bit part in an otherwise Tim Burton/Johnny Depp vehicle), and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (umm, yeah) [Additional note: Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation's (also straight-to-video) main actor was Richard Burgi, whom I had never heard of before]. The rest of his surprisingly long career (18 years and counting) has been in television. Lots and lots of television. CVD has appeared in well-known shows such as Beverly Hills 90210, One Life to Live, Monk, Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman, Married With Children, The Outer Limits, Titans, Watch Over Me, etc. He's also starred in countless made-for-TV movies: Dracula 3000, The Tracker, The Collection, The Omega Code, and a shitload of others you never heard of or watched.

His major motion pictures and ratings:
  • Starship Troopers (7.0 - 69,900 votes) (62% RT)
  • Tarzan and the Lost City (3.8 - 972 votes) (6% RT)
  • Sleepy Hollow (7.5 - 89,426 votes) (72% RT)
  • Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (4.6 - 6,128 votes) (60% RT - only based on 5 reviews, however)
CVD's only lead role (as Tarzan) garnered him a 3.8 (6% RT). His other major movies are essentially non-CVD affairs. Starship Troopers was a hit because it had (a) cool-looking alien insect creatures getting shot to pieces with machine guns (comment: but this is a futuristic sci-fi war movie, so where are the laser guns?) (b) Denise Richards showing off her goods (c) lots of camp and political invective (the costumes were straight rip-offs of Nazi uniforms), and (d) was directed by a guy known for these movies: Total Recall, Robocop, Basic Instinct. Sure, Starship Troopers is awful. Really bad acting all around. In fact, my friend and I agreed that the movie is a comedy through and through. Not an action movie, not an adventure movie, not a drama. The only snag was that no one let the actors in on the secret. They all think they are making a space-epic on par with the original Star Wars. In other words, 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Saving Private Ryan. In reality, it's Spaceballs meets Mars Attacks meets Wild Things.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder is essentially a retread of Starship Troopers, but without a good director or story, but who wants a story when the movie is called Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. And considering it's straight-to-video status and the paucity of substantial critical reviews, I think it's acceptable and appropriate to not considerate it as a benchmark for CVD's acting chops. Which leaves us with Sleepy Hollow. Well-received by critics, well-acted, well-directed, except CVD's role is so minor that none of these accolades should pass on to him. I argue that the only film on which to base his talent is Tarzan and the Lost City (and Starship Troopers, which although rated "Fresh" portrayed some of the worst acting the last century) and the verdict is he's awful.

So based on this who is the worst actor? I've already illustrated how FPJ can't make a movie that people want to see except maybe young children who have no sense of talent, but are deeply entranced by a CGI-dog with phonetic disorders saying, "Raggy," "Ramburgers," and "Rokay, I rill." I'm fairly certain that no one saw Scooby Doo or it's abysmal sequel (somehow rated higher than the original at IMDB.com) to see Freddie Prinze, Jr. If there was any human actor that got anyone excited about the possibility of a live-action Scooby Doo movie it was Matthew Lillard (who, in fact, has starred in five FPJ films) as Shaggy. He had the cracking voice, gangly limbs, et al. There was, at least, some belief that he was well-cast. The truth is, people went to see Scooby Doo to see...Scooby Doo (to the tune of $276,294,164 worldwide).

On the other hand you have CVD.

There is a reason why there is an FPJ Zone. There is a reason why CVD is no longer casted for major motion pictures (FPJ too, now, thank god). They are both really, really bad actors. Their facial expressions are nil, their understanding of a scene is zilch, their idea of acting is being themselves, but dressed up in different clothes. I wonder whether CVD while dressed in a loin cloth as Tarzan thought to himself: I was raised by animals, I'm primitive, but I have an innate sense of justice and morals, and I'm going to try to convey this through my performance, or if, I'm in amazing shape right now, I look great, my face is ruggedly handsome, and I'm half-naked, let's do this! was his jumping-off spot. Who knows? What we do know is that no one thought Tarzan was a good movie. But who's fault is it really?

Let's step back for a second. FPJ and CVD are two better than average looking men (probably). But they aren't the only good looking guys who can't act. I'd say the problem is systemic. [Preface: you (and me) may not find the guys named in the following list attractive, but generally speaking these guys are considered attractive by social standards.]

A Non-Exclusive List of Actors Generally-Considered Good-Looking Who Also Can't Act* (in random order):

*Trust me.
  1. James Van Der Beek (Texas Rangers, not the baseball team)
  2. Paul Walker (Meet the Deedles, Timeline)
  3. Joshua Jackson (plenty)
  4. Vin Diesel (debatable as good-looking; see Babylon A.D., A Man Apart)
  5. Brandon Routh (Yes, even Superman)
  6. Chris Evans (Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, (the inevitable) Fantastic Four 3: Whatever Dumb Title They Come Up With)
  7. Ryan Reynolds (Smokin' Aces, National Lampoon's Van Wilder, etc.)
  8. Brendan Fraser (Journey to the Center of the Earth is a good representative sample)
  9. Chris Klein (Rollerball, hello)
  10. Jerry O'Connell (Kangaroo Jack, Tomcats)
  11. Ashton Kutcher (See entire career)
  12. Seann William Scott (Mr. Woodcock, Dukes of Hazzard, Southland Tales, Bulletproof Monk)
  13. Matthew Perry (Serving Sara and The Whole Ten Yards)
A Non-Exclusive List of Actors Generally-Considered Good-Looking Who Act Sometimes, But Are Still Bad, All Things Considered* (in random order):

*Trust me, again. The guys on this list will make a good movie, they will even garner critical acclaim for their performances from time to time, the occasional Oscar nomination, but they aren't coming home with the awards. They're showing up in a nice tux, smiling big smiles, grinning with shiny white teeth, the object of lots of candid shots during the ceremony, but going home empty-handed.
  1. Brad Pitt (Seven Years in Tibet, Cool World, Troy)
  2. Ben Affleck (Gigli. Gigli. Gigli)
  3. Tom Cruise (I actually don't mind him, and I think he tries hard, but maybe too hard)
  4. Keanu Reeves (See Ashton Kutcher)
  5. Charlie Sheen (Even with all of the bad films he's starred in, he, at least, has Platoon and Wall Street on his resume)
  6. Colin Farrell (For every In Bruges, there's an Alexander or Pride and Glory or...)
  7. Orlando Bloom (Elizabethtown, really not good, Troy, again)
  8. Ryan Phillippe (Antitrust)
  9. Kevin Costner (The Postman, and, for better or worse, Waterworld will never be forgotten as bombs) [Exception to the rule: Yes, he won an Academy Award for Dances With Wolves.]
  10. Wesley Snipes (Art of War, comes to mind)
  11. John Travolta (Battlefield Earth, 'nuff said)
  12. James Franco (Annapolis or Flyboys, anyone?)
Now, here are 25 other actors who have made a shitload of movies in their careers. How come they can't act? Well, I have a theory. [This also applies to female actors.]

When you're a good-looking actor you're more likely to get a role. And that increased likelihood equals increased opportunities to act, which equals an actor being in more movies, and the more movies an actor is in means the more likely that actor will be considered for other films because that actor is now recognizable, but the whole time he never really learned to act. You coasted on your looks [and for FPJ, he also had Hollywood connections because of his deceased comedian dad], I get it, and more power to you, but don't try to tell me otherwise.

When FPJ says, "[Acting is] the only thing I'm good at. I know how to create and make people feel something. Honestly, if I didn't do this, I would just have some minimum-wage job in New Mexico, and I would go out on the weekends and make just enough money to pay my insurance and pay for a couple beers, and that would be it," it begs the question: Have you seen your own films? Because, he doesn't know how to create. He knows how to get on film and get paid for it.

But then he'll say, "I'm going to stop acting in the next few years because it's just too weird. You have to constantly be willing to live in a scary, emotional place, which is why actors are in therapy all the time." I doubt the world he lives in is scary or emotional. You're pretending to be a high school jock who's good at hacky-sack and turns the ugly duckling into the beautiful swan even though anyone with a pair of eyeballs could tell she was hot to begin with. You're pretending to live next door to 4 supermodels and Monica Potter (who's no slouch herself) and you're the love interest next door.* I don't think you're living in the same hellish, all-encompassing, mentally-strangulating world that Heath Ledger was living in or that Daniel Day-Lewis subjects himself to. [E.g, It's well-noted that for every role, DDL moves into a separate house away from his wife and children to "tap" into the character.]

*Here's an actual review of Head Over Heels from a film critic with the Kalamazoo Gazette, which I think hits the nail on the head: "When your script calls for a suave, mysterious leading man and the best you can come up with is the bubble-bright Freddie Prinze, Jr., it's time to do some serious recasting." Amen.

But when FPJ says, "Life is not about making dough or how many movies you can make in a year. It's about finding someone that you can share things with," I wholeheartedly agree and hope that he takes his own advice.

I guess the answer was there all along. FPJ, congratulations. And good luck.

Jared

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Goonies 2: Bank Heist in 3D on IMAX

It's what everyone has been waiting for desperately. Kids are clawing their eyes out. Parents are clawing their kids eyes out, but only in case their kids are unable or unwilling to claw out their own eyes. All for the anticipated release of a Goonies sequel, which as far as I know (which isn't much) isn't happening. But if it did happen. It might look a little bit like this:

2o Years Later.

The Goonies have gone their separate ways.

They've abandoned the Oregon coast...

...for greener pastures...

...more spacious skies...

...and...

...new, outrageous capers!

Meanwhile, the Fratellis are still around, except for Mama Fratelli...she's dead (may she rest in peace). The brothers are still around...Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano. They are finally out of jail. Robert Davi is working in a diner as a short order cook, and Joe Pantoliano is now a cop (a la his roles in Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, The Fugitive, U.S. Marshals, and, of course, La Bamba). One day, Robert De Niro walks into the diner with his crew of criminals. They are planning to hold up a bank, but, unfortunately, their driver (aka "Wheelman"), who actually betrayed them, never shows up (note: he also gets tortured and ends up lying prone on the floor of his apartment/hotel (pick one) in a pool of his own sticky, sweet, red blood, and Robert De Niro's character then shoots him in the head to put him out of his misery, but that's after the bank job).

De Niro recognizes Robert Davi from the joint. They worked in the laundry room together and helped smuggle in contraband like cigarettes and rock hammers. Robert Davi used to build little chessmen with that rock hammer of his. He also thought about tunneling his way out of jail, but then he realized he was only doing a 5-10 stretch with a year off for time served during the long, drawn-out trial, and with good behavior he'd be out in 2, so there was no point wasting his time doing that. Plus his old friend, Red (played by, I'm thinking, Morgan Freeman would be perfect), got shivved by Don Cheadle after Don Cheadle threw a prison boxing match to Steve Zahn, and "Red" was celebrating excessively because he had money on Steve Zahn.

Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. So, De Niro asks Davi, "Are you in? We need a driver. I need to know right now?" And Davi says, "Yeah, I'm in," because he didn't like being bossed around by his ignorant, mean-spirited diner boss, and he wasn't thinking about his girlfriend who really cared for him and believed in him as a person, and De Niro needed an answer right then, and when the juices and adrenaline are flowing, sometimes you make rash decisions. This tension will all be conveyed in Robert Davi's face. I'm thinking freeze-frame or ridiculously slow, slow-motion zoom (check with cinematographer on this).

The bank heist is going as planned except Joe Pantoliano stopped by the diner to get a grilled cheese, french fries, chocolate shake, and donut (remember, he's a cop) and when he doesn't see his brother, he knows something is wrong. He finds out that his brother left with De Niro and his crew from Chunk who was at the diner eating a triple-layer turkey club sandwich, bowl of chicken noodle soup, Diet Coke, and rice pudding. Chunk, who is now a scientist who has invented a serum that makes fat people skinny and overly aggressive and funny, is coming off an all-night Stand-up comedy, sex-orgy binge (but in a tasteful, funny way) woke up in the morning to see his large self again and he's worried about the effects that the serum is having on his psyche because he's alienating his friends, so he's eating away his sorrows, and he recognized the Fratellis, and overheard the conversation between De Niro and Davi, so he tips off Pantoliano and they both drive off towards the bank.

On the way, Chunk calls Mikey, Mouth, and Data who all live in the city and are currently ghost investigators. They have their own business, firehouse (with fire pole), and station wagon. Sometimes they do children's birthday parties, but they don't have to work too hard because they saved the city from an evil, 10-story man, made out of marshmallows and Mikey's imagination.

Chunk gets through to Stef Steinbrenner (Martha Plimpton's character) who is the Ghost Buster's (that's what they call themselves) receptionist. She tells him that they are out trying to help Mouth's old girlfriend Andy whose baby (by another dude) is trying to be captured and possessed by an evil warlord's custom framed oil painting, so he can be reborn and take over the world. Chunk hangs up and realizes he'll have to help Pantoliano (a Fratelli, and his former enemy) stop another Fratelli from helping Robert De Niro from robbing a bank, by himself or will he...Please remember, this is all in 3D.

Okay, that's the beginning. Part 2 is coming up later.

Jared

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hot Blogs 2009: Sunnyside Lowdown

It's official, my blog is awesome. Everyone is coming here and why not, my blog has been recognized (by me) as one of the Hottest Blogs of '09. Huffington Post, eat shit. Perez Hilton, boring. That's what happens when you corner the blog market on the fancy new wine bar in the neighborhood. As a result, my blog viewership has increased by 253.85% (according to Google Analytics). In fact, on December 29th, I had my most visits ever, 21. Yes we can! It's sad to say, but apparently people are more interested in restaurants and wine bars than esoteric posts about poetry and baby names. Speaking of which, my friend Alex had his third kid, and he, astonishingly, decided not to go with one my name suggestions from weeks back. He went with Anne, Anne Elizabeth. Yeah, that's way better than what I came up with...Not!

Luckily, the new year has been great. And by great I mean I went to a crappy 1929 themed, masquerade New Year's Eve party complete with cover, cash bar, no champagne toasts, $2 masks, and 1920s music. They didn't even do a proper countdown to midnight. Instead, I had to look at my cell phone intently and watch for it to say, 12:00. Of course, I was with Girl, so it wasn't all lost. Except I was the idiot who thought that New Yorkers would actually follow the "you will not be allowed entry without a mask" requirement. I figured people would go all out, so I went and bought an authentic $40 masquerade mask; not some crappy plastic $2 string and staple number, but a real mask made out of real leather. It makes me look like a cross between Batman, Robin, and Kato from The Green Hornet.

Sure, my mask was bad-ass, but when 90% of the party-goers are either (a) not wearing masks at all or (b) wearing a mask that would melt in the sun, then you're not consoled just from looking bad-ass and, instead, you seethe with internal hate and disgust over wasting $38. And, of course, the costume store doesn't accept returns either because they know that everyone in their right mind would buy a mask, wear it one night, and return it the next day faster than you can say, "why did I buy a $40 mask?"

On the bright side, I now have a mask. On the brighter side, I'm undoubtedly going to attend every masquerade ball possible just to get my $40 worth. I'll wear this thing to weddings if I have to, it's that simple.

On the brightest side, Sunnyside Lowdown is ready to take the world by storm in 2009. First, Hottest Blog, next Global Blog, next...something else. It's amazing what you can do when you come up with fake titles and accolades.

Jared

Monday, December 22, 2008

Claret?

Claret, that's the name of the new wine bar on my corner. You may recall, a few months ago I tried to come up with a name for it (see, here). I had lots of good options, for example: The Bloody Virgin, Stems, The Cellar Door, The Crimson, etc. Apparently, none were good enough because Claret it is. Sure, they don't have a sign, but the menus all say Claret, the AM New York blog says Claret, so, that's that, it's Claret.

It's a cool spot. Brand new touches all around. When you step in, you'll never believe that it used to be a run-down pharmacy. Frosted glass tiles in the bathroom, smooth metal bar top, fold-in, retractable windows, deep, dark wood floors, similarly dark wood furniture shipped from Indonesia, 70+ bottles of wine at your disposal, roughly 30 by the glass, beer on tap, beer in bottles, classic sodas in miniature glasses, artwork by local artists adorning the walls, lots of dark places for doing dark deeds, and the part-owner is a personal friend. He's also my barber. He's been cutting my hair for over 4 years, and when I found out he was opening a wine bar in the neighborhood, I thought, great, I finally know a bar owner. I always wanted to own a bar so I could drink there for free. This is almost as good. I can drink there. Just not for free.

As far as I know, it's the first wine bar in Sunnyside. In other words, Sunnyside, is officially on the map. Astoria has its beer garden. We have a wine bar. Astoria has tons of wine bars. We have a wine bar. Astoria has lots of great ethnic food. Did I mention that we have a wine bar? From now on, whenever someone asks me where I live, and I say, Sunnyside, I fully expect them to know that Sunnyside is in between Long Island City and Woodside on the 7 line. I fully expect them to know that Sunnyside is immediately southeast of Astoria. I fully expect them to be jealous and wish they were me. I fully expect them to know that we have a super-duper retro art-deco arch, a 24-hour White Castle, and a wine bar. It feels good to get in on the ground floor of these suburban, outer-borough bubble explosions. It's like being the first guy to move to Bushwick and a week later everyone started calling it East Williamsburg.

So get on the train, come to Sunnyside, and go to Claret. Who knows, maybe you'll want to stay.

Jared

P.S. To get to Claret, take the 7 train towards Flushing-Main St., get off at 46th-Bliss St., walk north from Queens Boulevard two avenues to Skillman Ave. Claret is on the southeast corner of 46th and Skillman.

P.P.S. Maybe I'll stop by and take some pictures and upload them so you can all see what I attempted to describe.

P.P.P.S. Thanks Bogdan.