The Goonies 2: Bank Heist in 3D on IMAX

It's what everyone has been waiting for desperately. Kids are clawing their eyes out. Parents are clawing their kids eyes out, but only in case their kids are unable or unwilling to claw out their own eyes. All for the anticipated release of a Goonies sequel, which as far as I know (which isn't much) isn't happening. But if it did happen. It might look a little bit like this:

2o Years Later.

The Goonies have gone their separate ways.

They've abandoned the Oregon coast...

...for greener pastures...

...more spacious skies...

...and...

...new, outrageous capers!

Meanwhile, the Fratellis are still around, except for Mama Fratelli...she's dead (may she rest in peace). The brothers are still around...Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano. They are finally out of jail. Robert Davi is working in a diner as a short order cook, and Joe Pantoliano is now a cop (a la his roles in Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, The Fugitive, U.S. Marshals, and, of course, La Bamba). One day, Robert De Niro walks into the diner with his crew of criminals. They are planning to hold up a bank, but, unfortunately, their driver (aka "Wheelman"), who actually betrayed them, never shows up (note: he also gets tortured and ends up lying prone on the floor of his apartment/hotel (pick one) in a pool of his own sticky, sweet, red blood, and Robert De Niro's character then shoots him in the head to put him out of his misery, but that's after the bank job).

De Niro recognizes Robert Davi from the joint. They worked in the laundry room together and helped smuggle in contraband like cigarettes and rock hammers. Robert Davi used to build little chessmen with that rock hammer of his. He also thought about tunneling his way out of jail, but then he realized he was only doing a 5-10 stretch with a year off for time served during the long, drawn-out trial, and with good behavior he'd be out in 2, so there was no point wasting his time doing that. Plus his old friend, Red (played by, I'm thinking, Morgan Freeman would be perfect), got shivved by Don Cheadle after Don Cheadle threw a prison boxing match to Steve Zahn, and "Red" was celebrating excessively because he had money on Steve Zahn.

Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. So, De Niro asks Davi, "Are you in? We need a driver. I need to know right now?" And Davi says, "Yeah, I'm in," because he didn't like being bossed around by his ignorant, mean-spirited diner boss, and he wasn't thinking about his girlfriend who really cared for him and believed in him as a person, and De Niro needed an answer right then, and when the juices and adrenaline are flowing, sometimes you make rash decisions. This tension will all be conveyed in Robert Davi's face. I'm thinking freeze-frame or ridiculously slow, slow-motion zoom (check with cinematographer on this).

The bank heist is going as planned except Joe Pantoliano stopped by the diner to get a grilled cheese, french fries, chocolate shake, and donut (remember, he's a cop) and when he doesn't see his brother, he knows something is wrong. He finds out that his brother left with De Niro and his crew from Chunk who was at the diner eating a triple-layer turkey club sandwich, bowl of chicken noodle soup, Diet Coke, and rice pudding. Chunk, who is now a scientist who has invented a serum that makes fat people skinny and overly aggressive and funny, is coming off an all-night Stand-up comedy, sex-orgy binge (but in a tasteful, funny way) woke up in the morning to see his large self again and he's worried about the effects that the serum is having on his psyche because he's alienating his friends, so he's eating away his sorrows, and he recognized the Fratellis, and overheard the conversation between De Niro and Davi, so he tips off Pantoliano and they both drive off towards the bank.

On the way, Chunk calls Mikey, Mouth, and Data who all live in the city and are currently ghost investigators. They have their own business, firehouse (with fire pole), and station wagon. Sometimes they do children's birthday parties, but they don't have to work too hard because they saved the city from an evil, 10-story man, made out of marshmallows and Mikey's imagination.

Chunk gets through to Stef Steinbrenner (Martha Plimpton's character) who is the Ghost Buster's (that's what they call themselves) receptionist. She tells him that they are out trying to help Mouth's old girlfriend Andy whose baby (by another dude) is trying to be captured and possessed by an evil warlord's custom framed oil painting, so he can be reborn and take over the world. Chunk hangs up and realizes he'll have to help Pantoliano (a Fratelli, and his former enemy) stop another Fratelli from helping Robert De Niro from robbing a bank, by himself or will he...Please remember, this is all in 3D.

Okay, that's the beginning. Part 2 is coming up later.

Jared

Hot Blogs 2009: Sunnyside Lowdown

It's official, my blog is awesome. Everyone is coming here and why not, my blog has been recognized (by me) as one of the Hottest Blogs of '09. Huffington Post, eat shit. Perez Hilton, boring. That's what happens when you corner the blog market on the fancy new wine bar in the neighborhood. As a result, my blog viewership has increased by 253.85% (according to Google Analytics). In fact, on December 29th, I had my most visits ever, 21. Yes we can! It's sad to say, but apparently people are more interested in restaurants and wine bars than esoteric posts about poetry and baby names. Speaking of which, my friend Alex had his third kid, and he, astonishingly, decided not to go with one my name suggestions from weeks back. He went with Anne, Anne Elizabeth. Yeah, that's way better than what I came up with...Not!

Luckily, the new year has been great. And by great I mean I went to a crappy 1929 themed, masquerade New Year's Eve party complete with cover, cash bar, no champagne toasts, $2 masks, and 1920s music. They didn't even do a proper countdown to midnight. Instead, I had to look at my cell phone intently and watch for it to say, 12:00. Of course, I was with Girl, so it wasn't all lost. Except I was the idiot who thought that New Yorkers would actually follow the "you will not be allowed entry without a mask" requirement. I figured people would go all out, so I went and bought an authentic $40 masquerade mask; not some crappy plastic $2 string and staple number, but a real mask made out of real leather. It makes me look like a cross between Batman, Robin, and Kato from The Green Hornet.

Sure, my mask was bad-ass, but when 90% of the party-goers are either (a) not wearing masks at all or (b) wearing a mask that would melt in the sun, then you're not consoled just from looking bad-ass and, instead, you seethe with internal hate and disgust over wasting $38. And, of course, the costume store doesn't accept returns either because they know that everyone in their right mind would buy a mask, wear it one night, and return it the next day faster than you can say, "why did I buy a $40 mask?"

On the bright side, I now have a mask. On the brighter side, I'm undoubtedly going to attend every masquerade ball possible just to get my $40 worth. I'll wear this thing to weddings if I have to, it's that simple.

On the brightest side, Sunnyside Lowdown is ready to take the world by storm in 2009. First, Hottest Blog, next Global Blog, next...something else. It's amazing what you can do when you come up with fake titles and accolades.

Jared