There's still war. People are still going to kill one another. Maybe you helped a bit, but probably not. An Olympic medal? What's that worth these days? Michael Phelps won a record eight medals in the last Summer Olympics. Look at him now. First, commentators question whether he is the best athlete ever, and some ridicule that he's just a swimmer, not a real "athlete." Then he gets busted smoking pot out of really big bong. He loses his endorsements. Critics call for his medals. He questions whether he will return to swim in the 2012 Olympics. Let's not even mention the number of doping allegations, steroid-use, Marion Jones, performance-enhancing drugs, medals forfeited, etc. Nope, give me Oscar. Pure, gold-plated britannium on a black metal base. Yummy.And winning an Academy Award provides the greatest gift of all: the acceptance speech.
Some speeches are gripping, inspiring, sappy, crappy, boring, really boring, mind-numbingly boring, sweet, touching, stupid, insipid, etc.
Here are some examples:
Charlie Kaufman, Best Original Screenplay, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
[trying to keep his speech brief] Thanks to the Academy. 29 seconds. 27 seconds. That's really intimidating. I'll try to look somewhere else.
Kim Basinger, 1998 Academy Awards
I just want to thank everybody I've ever met in my entire life.
Hilary Swank, Best Actress, Million Dollar Baby
I don't know what I did in this life to deserve all of this. I'm just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream.
Steven Spielberg, Best Director, Saving Private Ryan
Am I allowed to say I really wanted this? This is fantastic.
Angelina Jolie, Best Supporting Actress, Girl, Interrupted
I'm in shock. And I'm so in love with my brother right now, he just held me and said he loved me.
Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting
Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'
James Cameron, Best Director, Titanic
I am the king of the world!
And you get the point.So here we are. It's almost time for the Academy Awards to start. The Barbara Walters special, the red carpet arrivals, and then the main event. I'm going, if you'll allow me, to narrate the evening's festivities for you. Every step of the way, with short breaks for (a) commercials, (b) dinner, (c) an occasional snack (I'm thinking popcorn, guacamole, etc.), and (d) the occasional bathroom pit-stop. Other than those brief interruptions, it's game-on! Diary-style. You'll get my reactions, witty comments, and perfectly unrelated tangential anecdotes where appropriate. All for free. So sit back, relax, and soak it all in.
Barbara Walters Special:
6:59 - Just made it. I finished cooking broccoli rabe, turkey meat sauce with Portabella mushrooms and onions and whole wheat pasta with freshly-grated Parmagiano-Reggiano cheese. And now I can't wait to make fun of Barbara Walter's self-importance. Up on deck are the Jonas Brothers, Anne Hathaway, Mickey Rourke, and Hugh Jackman (who's hosting the Awards).
7:01 - It's her 28th Academy Award Special. Wow, she's old.
7:02 - What to look forward to: Three things you can't do with an Oscar as told by Mickey Rourke. I'm betting one isn't snorting coke off its anthropomorphic genitalia.7:03 - How in the world is she interviewing the Jonas Brothers? What movie were they in? I mean give me a freakin' break. They're like Hanson with brown hair.
7:04 - This broccoli rabe is awesome. It's like I always say, better ingredients, better pizza.7:07 - So they are making a film. It's called Jonas, which is apparently a way-pussed out Gimme Shelter. Uh oh. the young one has an eating disorder!
7:08 - Oops, actually Diabetes. Now, I feel bad.
7:09 - He also has freckles like Connect-the-dots on his face. It's weird. They look shockingly equidistant.
7:11 - Barb's bringing the tough questions: So who's dating who? What's up with Miley Cyrus? Are you tapping it (more or less)?
7:12 - Those freckles look like three Big Dippers on his face. I wonder if anyone has devoted any attention to the position of freckles on people's faces and bodies and personality types based on such placement.
7:17 - Anne Hathaway ("AH"). Never been a big fan of her looks-wise. I'm also glad I didn't see that movie, Rachel Getting Married.
7:18 - Okay we get it, she's played a princess three times. Personally, I don't see how an actress can win an Academy Award and still be in Bride Wars. But, hey, Jamie Foxx won for Ray, but still made Stealth. I guess it balances out over time.7:19 - On HD, her face looks almost as wide as Julia Roberts, which is metaphorically the same width as the Grand Canyon. But I'm beginning to change my tune. She's cute from the eyes up.
7:20 - Are you kidding me? She hoped to be nominated? And she admits that? Yeah, I took this role thinking, Oscar nod, here I come!! A bit off-putting.
7:21 - Barbara, fyi, acting isn't that hard. An awful childhood isn't a prerequisite.
7:22 - Her parents have been married for 28 years because of "great sex." Barbara is bringing her A-game.
7:24 - AH passed up cocaine at a college party. Too bad her name isn't Mickey Rourke.
7:27 - And Mickey Rourke's up. Barbara's impressing me. She mentioned how his face looks ridiculous twice.
Does she not know that she's interviewing him in two seconds? 
I think he looks like the Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta. My friend thought he looked like the Batman villain, Two-Face's, bad face on both sides. It's a toss up.7:30 - I'm glad he's wearing over-sized eyeglasses. It covers a bit more of his face, which helps.
7:37 - Carrie Otis became a heroin addict? First I'm hearing about this.
7:38 - She sticks with the same questions she asked the Jonas Brothers, do you have anyone special?
7:39 - So his boxing career was basically the same as his role in The Wrestler. So was it really acting? If he wins, maybe we should really redefine what acting is. I mean, if someone cast Michael Jordan to play a basketball player in a movie, and he does a decent job, it's not called acting. It's called Space Jam.
7:40 - The three things you can't do with an Oscar (as stated by Mickey Rourke): Eat it, Fuck it, Use it to get into Heaven. I tend to agree with him on two.
7:45 - Hugh Jackman's ("HJ") wife is kinda busted. But he can dance like Fred Astaire. Makes sense.
7:48 - HJ has two adopted children. How come we only hear about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their adopted children? Is it because his wife is older and not that attractive? Maybe.7:50 - I'm on the phone with my friend Dre. We're talking about Guy Ritchie's film, RocknRolla, and how it wasn't that good. And how there shouldn't be a sequel, which the movie ends by declaring there will be. He compared it to the end of Mac & Me, which I only recalled as "that movie with the kid and the alien." Apparently, it suggests a sequel as well.
7:53 - This interview is boring, thanks for ending on a high note, Barbara.7:57 - Thank god I didn't change the channel, I just saw HJ give Barbara Walters a lap dance.
ABC Oscars, Red Carpet:
8:00 - Game time. We have Robin Roberts of Good Morning America and Tim Gunn of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, and Kate Winslet. Her dress is weird. Tim and her are talking designers and I don't know who they are talking about.
8:02 - Co-host is some random guy who is with Josh Brolin, nominated for Milk, and his wife, Diane Lane who is smoking hot. I still can't get over the fact that Josh Brolin was Brand in The Goonies. I see it, but don't see it.
8:03 - Tim Gunn is with Amy Adams, nominated for Doubt. She looks cute in a red dress with her red hair. I know he is gay, but he keeps pseudo-hitting on her, which is odd.
8:03 - There's Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. I thought they were breaking up or something, guess not. She announces there will be a Sex in the City sequel. So there's another movie I won't be watching.
8:04 - Next is Taraji P. Henson nominated for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I liked her in Hustle & Flow.
8:05 - Then Frank Langella who was nominated for Frost/Nixon. I passed on the movie because I saw him on Broadway in that role. Oh, that's sweet, he brought his daughter.
8:06 - Brad & Angelina show up just long enough for Tim Gunn to say that they are the most glamorous couple and otherwise adds nothing of value for those of us watching at home.
8:07 - Cut to commercial. Fyi, also on tv right now is Lake Placid 2, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and Gridiron Gang starring the Rock. Academy Award worthy, all of them.
8:08 - I think about switching channels to E!, but ABC is in HD and when you have HD, you can't trade down.
8:10 - Tim Gunn is doing some sort of expose on Valentino
(the clothing designer) (not nominated for anything).8:10 - The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire. It's very clear that Danny Boyle is not Indian (nominated for Best Director). One of the little Indian boys has a crush on Miley Cyrus. Join the club (j/k).
8:12 - Mickey Rourke's dog died and he's wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier and he brought his dead dog's tux with him. Not creepy at all.
8:13 - Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. She's really, really pretty, and he looks twelve years younger than Michael J. Fox did in Teen Wolf (which would make him a zygote).
8:13 - Robert Downey, Jr. nominated for Tropic Thunder, and his wife. I feel like Mickey Rourke is stealing all of Robert Downey, Jr.'s comeback vibes. Hey, he contemplated suicide, too, damnit!8:14 - Viola Davis nominated for Doubt. Who?
8:15 - Miley Cyrus looks awful, like a shimmery head of lettuce and she sounds like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby (which isn't good).
8:16 - Anne Hathaway, yet again. Her mouth is really wide, yet again.
8:18 - I think the Nasonex commercial where Antonio Banderas provides the voice of the cute, animated bee is his best work since Take the Lead.
8:19 - PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants. Could they have picked two bigger-looking dorks?8:20 - Meryl Streep and some really hot girl...wow, her daughter? The apple fell a mile from that tree.
8:21 - Penelope Cruz nominated for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Which makes me wonder, what was she doing with Tom Cruise? Did he pay her? A lot?
8:22 - Richard Jenkins nominated for The Visitor. I liked him in Step-Brothers. Now, that's the movie he should've been nominated for. His wife looks proud, that's sweet.
8:23 - Jack Black and his wife, Tanya, providing more humor than he has in his past four films, not including Kung Fu Panda (I didn't see it, but I heard good things).
8:24 - Marisa Tomei nominated for The Wrestler wearing Versace and dressed a bit like Kate Winslet. She's still got it.
8:25 - Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Judd Apatow. It's weird how unfunny funny people can be when they try to be funny. Unless it was me. I can pull that off.
8:26 - Looking at documentary piece on the design of the Awards show when obviously we should still be looking at actresses in evening gowns. ABC's Red Carpet show has officially dropped the ball. Luckily it's almost over.
8:28 - Maybe this running diary was a bad idea. I'm already yearning for a snack, but I'm too lazy to go to the kitchen and get it.
81st Annual Academy Awards :
8:30 - Game time! Cue Hugh Jackman. I hope he's somewhat funny or, at least, pulls out his Wolverine claws and goes berserk on the audience.
8:32 - Channeling his inner Billy Crystal.8:34 - Getting a snack. Now seemed the opportune time.
8:35 - Not Anne Hathaway again. She's getting carried on stage and singing a duet with HJ. I guess she's winning Best Supporting Actress...not.
8:38 - "I told you that boy could sing."
8:39 - Jeez, how many times is he going to thank Anne Hathaway? Apparently 14.
8:40 - Where's Jack Nicholson? There's H-Jack's first bombed joke. I had it at 4 minutes in. Should've taken the over.
8:42 - Some weird actress montage for no reason, but allegedly something to do with Meryl Streep, but not.8:43 - Actually, it is related to Best Supporting Actress. What happened to last year's Best Supporting Actor announcing the winner? Was it like this last year?
8:45 - This whole concept is long-winded, but Whoopi Goldberg just made a solid Sister Act joke. I'm trying to suppress thinking about Sister Act 2.
8:46 - Goldie Hawn's face looks a bit like Mickey Rourke's. Not a good thing.
8:47 - Penelope Cruz won. Just like everyone said she would. I hate when actors acknowledge the ticking clock during their acceptance speeches. We get it. You don't have an hour to thank everyone you ever met in your life.
8:49 - She said "Art is the universal language." I always thought it was math.
8:53 - Steve Martin and Tina Fey (who's looking good) presenting Best Original Screenplay and providing more jokes than H-Jack's entire opening bit. I'm going with Milk, but I think Wall-E should win. That movie was creative and awesome.
8:56 - Two for two. Milk wins. Sean Penn is smiling and clapping.
8:57 - The camera pans to Sean Penn, again. The screenwriter is gay, which makes sense.
8:58 - Good speech.
8:59 - Steve Martin and Tina Fey, still up there presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. Gotta go with Doubt. I saw the play on Broadway, it was great. Then again, I saw Frost/Nixon on Broadway, it was great, too. Maybe I should go with Frost/Nixon. I'm going with Frost/Nixon.
9:01 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. Now, I'm serious, the movie wasn't that good. The screenwriter is also not Indian, but he had a funny opening joke that he apparently wrote beforehand and memorized.
9:03 - Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presenting Best Animated Film. Is Hugh Jackman done hosting for the evening?
9:04 - Wall-E has this locked down. It should have been nominated Best Picture, it was that good.
9:05 - They are doing an 2008 Animated film montage. I, like everyone else, forgot that there was a movie made last year called, Space Chimps. Thanks Academy for reminding us.
9:06 - Oscar goes to...Wall-E. Told ya. Three for four! Feeling it!9:08 - Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black still here presenting Best Animated Short. Paging Hugh Jackman. Paging Hugh Jackman.
9:09 - I haven't seen any of these (or heard of them), so obviously I'm going with Oktapodi. Although my heart says, Lavatory Love Story. I love a good bathroom story. La Maison en Petits Cubes wins. No one, and I mean, no one, saw this coming. Some asian guy saying "sank you" a lot and ending with "domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" is accepting for a French-looking animated film. Umm, okay.
9:15 - HJ is back from being halfway to Australia, and he's still not funny.
9:16 - Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig presenting Best Art Direction. He's James Bond, she's ugly, so they know what they are talking about. I'm going with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, although The Dark Knight should win.
9:17 - Benny Button. Four for five, suckas.
9:19 - Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are still around presenting Best Costumer Design. I'm picking The Duchess. I wonder if the Oscars are trying to save money on gift bags by doubling up on Oscar presenters. It's like a 2-for-1 special.
9:21 - I'm on fire. But I've always said, when picking Best Costume Design, always go with the European period piece.
9:22 - Make that 3-for-1. Parker and Craig are kicking it ol' school presenting Best Makeup. I'm going with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, although the Dark Knight should win again. When picking makeup always go with the film where makeup is used for character aging.
9:24 - It's Benjamin Button. Six for seven (for those keeping track).
9:25 - Now we have the chick from Mamma Mia and the dude from Twilight aka two people whose names I don't know. And based on their presenting, it will probably stay that way for the near future. They are doing some movie montage on how love was portrayed in 2008's movies. Anytime you have to show a scene from What Happens in Vegas, you're not putting together a quality montage. Oh, The Hulk gets a clip, cool.
9:31 - HJ is back for ten seconds, then leaves really fast. It's almost like they're worried he's about to lose his mind or something. Out come Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller, who's mocking Joaquin Phoenix, dressed in a black suit and fake beard. They are presenting Best Cinematography. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is choking back laughter. Natalie Portman looks good and is, unsurprisingly, as tall as Ben Stiller.
9:33 - His fake beard is ZZ Top-long.9:34 - Ben Stiller is walking off by himself. It's getting a number of laughs. I'm picking Benjamin Button, although The Dark Knight, again, should win.
9:35 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. Really? Well, there's another white guy. Where are the Indians? This guy's pocket square looks like it's throwing up a smaller pocket square. His acceptance speech is by the numbers: thank wife, kids at home, should be sleeping, thanks director who is not going to win Best Director, yadda yadda yadda.
9:39 - Jessica Biel is presenting on behalf of the already presented Sci-Tech (Science-Technical) awards. Basically she shows up, tries to look good, says a couple lines, then leaves. None of the Sci-Tech people get any other acclaim. As it should be.
9:42 - Now we have a montage of Comedy movies. This appears to be a theme for the evening. Movie montages. We have Seth Rogen and James Franco reprising their roles from Pineapple Express (over-rated) making fun of dramas and comedies. There was a touching scene where James Franco as his Pineapple character is watching himself kiss Sean Penn in Milk.
9:45 - Recreating the "staple" scene from The Wrestler, ouch.
9:46 - James Franco, Janusz Kaminski, and Seth Rogen presenting for Best Live Action Short. My gut says New Boy, but my heart says New Boy. So I'm going with Manon on the Asphalt.
9:47 - The Oscar goes to the WWII, Nazi film, Spielzeugland (Toyland). From now on, I will always go with the WWII, Nazi film in the Best Live Action Short category.
9:48 - Commercial Break, time to RECAP: Number of Awards Chosen Correctly: 6. Number of Awards Chosen Incorrectly: 3. Percentage Correct: 66.7%.
9:52 - HJ (not dead) is back to singing and doing his "I love musicals" thing. Beyonce is singing now. I feel she's a bit over-exposed, lately. Didn't she do the inauguration?
9:57 - This musical number is killing me.10:00 - I've been doing this for 3 hours. For those keeping track, I ate dinner, made guacamole, made microwave popcorn, ate dried fruit, and went to the bathroom three times. In other words, I'm well-prepared for the next hour and a half.
10:01 - And we're back. And HJ is nowhere to be seen. Best Supporting Actor montage leading the way to...
10:02 - Five past Best Supporting Actor winners doing the long, drawn out award thing that the Best Supporting Actresses did. Unfortunately, Whoopi Goldberg isn't here so no Eddie or Fatal Beauty reference.
10:03 - Alan Arkin just called Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman. I'd say that's a gaffe.
10:04 - Basically, who is James Gray?
10:05 - I think by taking risks, Cuba Gooding, Jr. meant starring in Boat Trip.
10:06 - Christopher Walken's voice just sounds cool. Even when he's stumbling over words.
10:07 - Heath Ledger is winning for The Dark Knight. Take it to the bank. Put it on my tab.
10:08 - Heath Ledger wins and who is getting the award? His father, mother, and sister. Not Michelle Williams. Standing ovation. It's touching.
10:09 - Although it is a bit weird for them to be thanking people on behalf of Heath Ledger. Anne Hathaway is near tears.10:11 - Documentary montage come on down! Guy with wonky teeth, check. Girl dropping the F-bomb, check. I'm picking Man on Wire (btw).
10:13 - Bill Maher is presenting Best Documentary, and self-promoting.
10:14 - And further self-promotion. He must have a back-end deal on Religulous.
10:15 - Man on Wire takes it. Sweet. 8 for 11.
10:16 - The tight-rope guy went up there and did a magic trick with a coin. I was impressed. Then he balanced the Oscar on his chin. I was very impressed.
10:17 - Bill Maher goes again for Best Documentary Short Subject. I have no idea. Let's just say I was wrong. The Oscar goes to Smile Pinki. Yeah, I was leaning to one of the others. 8 for 12.
10:18 - What is up with this girl's dress? It has some weird back straps/flaps/? She looks like a flying squirrel (aka Sugar Glider).
10:22 - HJ brings us to the Action movie montage. Clips from Bond, Speed Racer, Batman, Wanted, Iron Man, Hulk, etc.10:25 - Will Smith is here, acting like Will Smith, the way Will Smith always does (see Will Smith's entire career).
10:26 - Best Visual Effects. I have to go with The Dark Knight. My rule is always go with the biggest action film, which trumps Iron Man.
10:27 - The Oscar goes to the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I guess the Academy never got my Rules memo.
10:28 - Will Smith can't say "outstanding." He keeps wanting to say, "outstounding." He finally gets it on the third try, then he presents for Best Sound Editing. Again, my rule leads me to The Dark Knight. But Slumdog Millionaire is nominated and apparently winning everything.
10:29 - Take that Slumdog, Dark Knight with the win. 9 for 14. The guy who won isn't much of a public speaker.
10:30 - Will Smith is up for a third award (and still being himself), Best Sound Mixing. My rule leads me to The Dark Knight. I have no idea how the winners for these sound awards are selected. Are the Academy members watching these movies and thinking, yes, that was the right sound, mixed at just the right time?
10:32 - Slumdog Millionaire wins. And we have an Indian (awesome!) he dedicates the award to his country and all the sound mixers. There are two white guys there, too.
10:33 - Will Smith makes a good HJ is napping joke, which everyone is wondering because WS has now been on stage as long as HJ. WS (somehow) presents his fourth award for Best Film Editing. Dare I say, The Dark Knight? Not if I want to be right, but I'm sticking to my guns. Dark Knight, final answer.
10:35 - Oscar goes to Slumdog. Fyi, white guy. I think that's like four for Slumdog. I just noticed that the logo for the 81st Academy Awards is the number 8 beside an Oscar, which represents a 1. Very clever.
10:36 - Believe it or not, WS is leaving the stage.
10:40 - Okay, it's 10:40. I know because I just wrote that it's 10:40. Let's get to the good awards.10:41 - Eddie Murphy in the house. He's presenting the Jean Hersholt award to Jerry Lewis who I never found funny and I'm interested in seeing how old he looks.
10:44 - He looks old. But not that bad. Standing O for Jerry. Robert Downey, Jr. does the slow clap.
10:45 - Sean Penn, Anne Hathaway, Anthony Hopkins reaction shots. Yes, that Anne Hathaway.
10:46 - Jerry was eloquent and brief. Two good qualities. Oh, look, there's Seal and Heidi Klum.
10:50 - HJ appears for his standard 25 seconds every 45 minutes. I think it's Best Score time because the orchestra is playing the scores from what are probably the nominated films. This is going almost as poorly as those damn, interpretive dance numbers from past Academy Awards shows.10:52 - Wall-E is my sentimental pick, but I'm going with Slumdog Millionaire. Maybe it is...destiny.
10:53 - It's not that I didn't enjoy Slumdog Millionaire. I saw it on my birthday. I was really looking forward to seeing it. But everyone I spoke to who had seen it made it seem like it was unlike any other movie ever made. But it wasn't. It was a movie, one I'd seen many times before, but with Indians. Zac Efron and Alicia Keys announce that the Osar goes to A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire.
10:55 - Nice speech, but he, literally, ran off the stage. But luckily, Alicia Keys and Zac Efron are doing their best Will Smith impression, presenting another award, this time for Best Song. Oh that's why he dashed off, they are doing some Slumdog Millionaire song performance and he's singing. He's a talented guy.
10:57 - John Legend singing for Wall-E, I think. This song seems more likely, however, a song from Madagascar 2. Lots of African-inspired dress on the choir accompanying him.10:59 - A.R. Rahman is back rocking out the vocals, Bollywood style. He's bouncing like 50 Cent in In Da Club.
11:01 - Two out of the three songs nominated are for Slumdog. So I'm picking Slumdog. And it's Slumdog, and the song is Jai Ho (that is the correct spelling). Danny Boyle is holding his hands to his face in glee (I suppose) although he looks apoplectic. A.R. Rahman had a choice between hate and love. "I chose love," he said. Amen.
11:05 - HJ is thanking the singers. He likes singers. Then he introduces Liam Neeson and the actress from Slumdog, Frieda Pinto, who are presenting Best Foreign Film. I pick The Class because it's the only one I heard anything about this week.
11:07 - The Oscar goes to Departures from Japan, which is about a guy who either (a) lives or (b) works in a morgue. I wasn't following. I'm going to say that was a huge upset. Huge. I have nothing to back up that claim, but it was HUGE.
11:10 - Queen Latifah is looking Queen-tastic! To think, she started as a hip-hop artist. She's singing a song leading up to the annual "In Memoriam" montage.
11:12 - Bernie Mac is dead. Michael Crichton died? When did that happen? I wonder if Heath Ledger will be up again. I remember he was there last year. Roy Scheider died. Isaac Hayes. Ricardo Montalban. Stan Winston (the special effects guy). Charlton Heston. Anthony Minghella. Sydney Pollack. Paul Newman. No Heath Ledger. Tough year.
11:18 - HJ almost made a political joke, but his writers forgot to finish it. Reese Witherspoon comes out, no doubt to present Best Actor. Just kidding, Best Director. She just said, "Grand Puba." It's getting late, so I'll let it slide. I'm picking Danny Boyle because it's been Slumdog all f'ing night. Personally, if he was going to win, it should've been for 28 Days Later.
11:20 - Danny Boyle, Slumdog, bamn! 12 for 20 (I think).
11:23 - Three awards left: Actor, Actress, Picture. I remember back in the good old days, Best Director was the award right before Best Picture. It appears that actors and actresses have taken that mantle from the directors. I didn't think Slumdog Millionaire was good enough to win Best Picture, but the way this night is going, you can't deny it. Actor, everyone says Mickey Rourke and I'll follow suit. Best Actress should be Kate Winslet. Basically, no surprises coming up.
11:25 - They keep showing that annoying clip from when Julia Roberts won for Erin Brockevich. Talk about annoying. I wonder which five winning actresses from year's past will be here tonight: Sophia Loren, Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, and Marion Cotillard. Sophia Loren is still hot. She must be 135, but she's still a fox. Shirley MacLaine, not so much. Standing O.
11:27 - Anne Hathaway is about to hyperventilate. She's already crying.
11:28 - Kate Winslet handles the praise heaped on her from Marion Cotillard a lot more maturely than Anne Hathaway who handled it like a high school girl losing her virginity.
11:29 - Halle Berry is bringing up Monster's Ball. We get it. You won. Then again, we probably forgot, so thanks for reminding us.
11:30 - I'm so glad Meryl Streep was nominated for Doubt so I can check out her daughter some more. I feel (slightly) dirty.
11:32 - The Oscar goes to Kate Winslet, just as predicted. No, it's not a shampoo bottle, Kate. It's gold-plated such and such.
11:34 - That was sweet, the A/V crew lit up the audience so she could find her dad. Shouldn't she be thanking Meryl Streep right now? That's what all the winners are required to do by official decree.11:35 - If I was playing a drinking game, I would've had to do a car-bomb. Suck up to Meryl, check.
11:36 - And here come the actors. HJ is nowhere to be seen. Is he getting paid for this or did he just volunteer? The five actors are (please say Jack Nicholson): Robert De Niro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, and Michael Douglas. Solid selection. Standing O again.
11:39 - Maybe Frank Langella will pull this out like Alan Arkin did with Little Miss Sunshine, the old guy with little chance.
11:39 - Robert De Niro with the best joke of the night, at Sean Penn's expense (maybe he should host next year).
11:40 - Make that two good jokes, bada bing!
11:41 - I said it before, I'll say it again: Richard Jenkins was good in Step-Brothers.
11:41 - Anthony Hopkins is chewing the scenery like he's filming outtakes from Hannibal. I almost forgot Brad Pitt was nominated.
11:42 - Time to look at Mickey Rourke's face again. He's got Jack's trademark shades on. Ben Kingsley hits the nail on the head, "the returning champ."
11:43 - Uh, oh. Sean Penn wins for Milk. There goes straight-forward. [p.s. My hands smell like guacamole.]
11:45 - Applause for Gus Van Sant.11:46 - Sean Penn gets political on gay marriage, in a good way. I didn't see the segue from gays to Mickey Rourke coming, but he pulled it off, in a good way.
11:47 - Steven Spielberg presents Best Picture. Slumdog, Slumdog, Slumdog. I'm going with Slumdog.
11:52 - And the Oscar goes to...
11:53 - Slumdog Millionaire. 14 for 23. Eh. Respectable.
11:55 - Here comes H-Jack to collect his paycheck for 10 minutes of work.
11:57 - Jai Ho. Goodnight.
Jared
