The Book In My Bathroom

My mom bought me a book. It's called "1001 Smartest Things Ever Said." It's a compilation of 1001 quotes by luminaries such as Satchel Paige, Susan B. Anthony, Abraham Lincoln, Aeschylus, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and, my favorite, Charles Bukowski on topics such as Life and Death, Love and Friendship, Success, The Life of the Mind, and Proverbial Wisdom. Naturally, I placed it in my bathroom. It's a good read.

One day, I came across this quote by Bill Cosby, which got me thinking:

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Ain't that the truth, Bill.

From time to time, I think I'll be reciting other quotes that strike my fancy or seem appropriate to the story at hand depending on whether I have nothing else to write about or if I've been in my bathroom a lot. So, far from your typical "lead-in" today's quote actually relates to the present story. Kind of.

The other day at work, my colleagues and I were talking about movies, when Snakes on a Plane came up. Not sure why, but it did. If you've seen it, you know that (a) it's awful, (b) you should love that it's awful, and (c) as a result, it's a classic. The movie has no discernible plot and makes no attempts at creating a logical basis for why a plane would end up with hundreds of poisonous, violent snakes to try to kill just one guy. It does, however, have Samuel L. Jackson shooting snakes in the head at 35,000 ft.

Discussing Snakes on a Plane lead to our discussing other movies that take place on planes, which lead to me texting my friend, and occasional, online movie critic, Dre, suggesting that he write an article on the 10 Best Movies Involving Planes. I suggested at least 7. Then after more deliberation, I figured why not have the 10 Best Movies Involving Trains and the 10 Best Movies Involving Automobiles because it's probably the 30th Anniversary of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. After checking, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles was released 21 years ago. Still, it makes for an interesting article. This is where my Bill Cosby quote comes in. I'm going to pick the 10 (give or take 6) Best (more or less) Movies that Involve Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and I'm going to do it whether it pleases you or not.

Best Movies Involving Planes:

1. Snakes on a Plane - Obviously.
2. Soul Plane - It has the word "plane" in it.
3. Passenger 57 - "Always bet on black?" Especially if it involves tax evasion.
4. Air Force One - "Get off my plane!"
5. Airplane - It's a classic. Although, I have to admit, I've never seen the full movie, and, at this point, I probably never will.
6. Top Gun - Exactly.
7. Terminal Velocity - Kind of.
8. Drop Zone - Sort of.
9. Executive Decision - Wow, movies on planes are not that good.
10. Flightplan - Ditto.
11. Fly Boys - I should probably also toss in Pearl Harbor. By Pearl Harbor, I mean every war movie ever.
12. Stealth - The villain in the movie is an actual plane. Obviously, it makes the cut.
13. Broken Arrow - It's like Stealth, except the villain is John Travolta and it's actually a decent movie.
14. Pushing Tin - Starring a pre-adopted kids Angelina Jolie.
15. Die Hard 2: Die Harder - Not as good as one or three, but pretty entertaining on a rainy day.

Best Movies Involving Trains:

1. Money Train - It has the word "train" in it.
2. The Great Train Robbery - Ditto.
3. Throw Momma From the Train - Train movies like to inform you that they involve trains.
4. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory - Now that's what I'm talking about.
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - They used to live in a subway car.
6. Carlito's Way - It ends in a train station (The Untouchables, too).
7. Die Hard With a Vengeance - "If you have to shoot me, then go ahead and shoot me. But I have to answer this phone!" It has a train scene.
8. Matrix Revolutions - Ditto.
9. Species - Not enough train movies have scenes involving alien gestation. Species is a true pioneer, in that respect.
10. Midnight Meant Train - I'm sure at least one person saw it. Maybe the director?
11. Speed - "Pop quiz, hotshot."
12. The Warriors - Nothing like running through the New York subway tunnels trying to make your way back to Coney Island while every gangbanger in the city is out to kill you, bash your brains in, and bang some bottles, "Warriors...come out...to play."
13. Mission Impossible - It ends on a train and there's a hi-speed crash with a helicopter in a train tunnel.
14. The Darjeeling Limited - Highly underrated.
15. Strangers on a Train - Classic Hitchcock.
16. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - There's that big train scene in the beginning.

Best Movies Involving Cars:

1. Days of Thunder - There's, like, this rule that any list of the best movies involving planes, trains, and automobiles requires that you pick at least one Tom Cruise movie for each. It was either Days of Thunder or Far and Away.
2. Taxi Driver - Car? Check.
3. Cars - Cartoons count.
4. Ronin - Arguably the best car chase in movie history.
5. Bullitt - Ditto.
6. The Bourne Identity - Ditto.
7. Talladega Nights - It's like Days of Thunder, if Days of Thunder starred Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly and Sacha Baron Cohen and Amy Adams instead of a bunch of other people.
8. Driven - Just kidding.
9. Speed Racer - Ditto.
10. Action Jackson - There's a scene where Action Jackson (Carl Weathers) jumps on a car and he drives around a bit and he almost crashes into a wall. Basically, I just like Action Jackson and wanted it to be recognized. Also, I'm watching it right now on cable while I'm typing.
11. Used Cars - "Cars" is in the title.
12. Riding in Cars with Boys - Ditto. I can't believe I just referenced this movie. I might as well have said, Crossroads starring Britney Spears. I've sunk to a new low.
13. Who Killed the Electric Car? - Our first documentary on the list; cause to celebrate.
14. Death Proof - Booyah!
15. The Fast and the Furious - The first one was watchable.
16. The Lovebug - The star is a Volkswagen, so you know you're getting a better performance than if it was Dane Cook.
17. Etc. [There are just too many car movies.]

Please join me as we celebrate and commemorate the 21st Anniversary of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and as Samuel L. Jackson always says, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf*#@ing snakes on this motherf*#@ing plane!"

Seems to me, it should have been 1002 Smartest Things Ever Said.

Jared