Pineapple Suckspress

Welcome to something I'm creating. I even came up with a clever name for it. In fact, I'm going to have to get this clever name trademarked for legal protection. As a lawyer, I know that this is the thing to do when you create a clever name. For instance, whoever came up with the slogan "Do the Dew" for Mountain Dew got that shit trademarked. Whoever came up with the slogan "Taste the Rainbow" for Skittles got that shit trademarked. Even Pat Riley got the word "Threepeat" trademarked. Now, whenever a sports team is on the verge of winning back to back to back championships he gets a cut. All the super-smart guys and girls know this. When skimming through ads and commercials look for the trusty R enclosed in a circle. That means the mark is registered with the USPTO. It's legally protected. Often, however, you'll come across the letters TM, also enclosed in a circle. In layman's terms that means, "I'm saying this is a trademark, you're on notice, but it's not registered and my legal protection is iffy." As a non-trademark lawyer, I wouldn't quote me on any of this, but I'm pretty sure that's the breakdown.

So what is my clever name for my new creation and what in the world does it have to do with a stoner-buddy-action movie named Pineapple Express? The name is...wait for it...here it comes:

Haiku Review

Get it. It rhymes. Or better yet, "Haiku Review TM." Now I'm ready for my close-up.

What is a Haiku Review and why should you care? Two good questions. I'll answer them separately. First, a Haiku Review is a movie review told in traditional 5-7-5 Haiku prose. Second, you should care for two reasons. One, it'll reduce the possibility of movie spoilers, which I so detest, but am beginning to be ambivalent about. Two, who wants to read a long review about a movie when all you really want to know is, should I see this movie?
Why should you trust me? Great question. This will take three reasons. One, my credentials speak for themselves. I've always loved movies, but I think I first realized I loved movies when I saw Howard the Duck, in theaters. Long story short, I didn't want to see Howard the Duck. I thought it was a kids movie and at the time, 1986, I was 6 turning 7 and I thought I was ready for more adult fare. Wow, even I'm surprised at my precocity. Anyway, my mom persuaded me to see it [candy was probably involved] and Howard the Duck turned out not to be a kids movie per se, but rather a crazy, awful cult classic of sorts. Needless to say, I was hooked on movies. In the way of actual credentials, I've worked at Blockbuster Video for two years, two movie theaters, namely, the AMC at the Oaks Mall in Gainesville, Florida in concessions, and the Regal Butler Plaza in Gainesville, Florida as an usher and ticket-ripper. I also repeatedly beat all of my friends in two variations of a movie trivia game, only losing occasionally [correction: often] to my good friend Dre. Two, I'm not going to sugarcoat a movie. If a movie is good, I'll say it's good. If it's a piece of crap, but still enjoyable, that's important to know. Every movie isn't an Academy Award nominee and no one expects such, so to grade all movies on the same scale doesn't make sense. In an earlier post, I mentioned that in a prior blog I devised a complex category system to rate movies, but I gave it up because it had too many moving parts and tried to do too much. People are going to see or not see movies if they so choose. The Haiku Review is simply another tool to help you sort through the muck. The third reason, just trust me.

Now to Pineapple Express and my first official Haiku Review [This is painfully exciting]:

It's not that good.
A couple laughs, not much else.
Rosie Perez: underutilized.

Okay, I'll admit, I broke true form. My last line was 9 syllables. Whatever, this is a work in progress. Rome wasn't built in a day. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Add your own cliche.

Jared