See Spot Not [insert verb]

Spot is not running or walking, barking or biting, licking or doing anything else because I don't have a dog and I'm not actively searching for a dog. Spot is a figment. Girl, however, thinks I should get a dog. Who can blame her? Dogs are fun, loyal, friendly extensions of yourself. I think this notion was first documented in Disney's 101 Dalmatians, which noted that people end up with dogs that remind them of themselves. Yes, I would like a dog, but there are a few reasons why getting a dog is not in my foreseeable future:

1. My lease doesn't allow pets. I'm sure I could finagle a deal with my landlord to get around this boilerplate clause, but still it's an impediment.
2. I hate waking up early. Someone will need to walk Spot in the morning and it will be tough to walk Spot while I'm in bed sleeping, dreaming about dancing with sea turtles and smoking a corncob pipe.
3. I'm usually not home for the majority of the day. I'm a lawyer and no matter how much I try to I try to increase my home-time, I'm still away from my apartment for 10-12 hours a day. As a result, Spot will be alone for most of the day with nothing else to do, but crap in my sneakers and rip up my new, upholstered couch. No one will be around to walk Spot during the day either, unless I hire a dog-walker and that's not my idea of spending money wisely. Ergo, I'll never see Spot. Poor little Spot.
4. Pets are expensive. First, there's pet food, then there's veterinary care, then there are toys and grooming. I can barely pay for my own toys and grooming. Basically, I should probably stop buying limited edition Lego sets and paying for handlers to bath me every week.
5. My apartment is not big enough. Neither is my non-existent yard. Dogs need yards, places to roam, dig, and chase away squirrels. In my apartment, Spot would only be able to watch bad TV shows on cable and drink water out of my toilet. If he/she wanted, Spot could also fold my laundry and hang my pictures.

Regardless, it's fun to think about getting a dog, just as it's fun to think about winning the lottery. It's fun to look at different breeds and come up with names. Speaking of names, we've been "Name-Gaming" a little bit here at Sunnyside Lowdown, but the other day I came up with an even better word to describe the process. Instead of Name Game, I suggest "Namestorm." Brainstorming/Namestorming. It fits. I hope no one else ever came up with that in the history of the world [Ed. note: I guess not, see here]. Tangent finished.

So, if I were to get a dog, what dog would I get?

Girl suggested the following:

I just don't see that happening. It looks like a beached furry flabby baby whale.

I'm thinking this dog:

Actually, I've just been told that's a baby Polar Bear. So, not a dog. How about this dog:

Okay, supposedly, that's a Mountain Gorilla, and also not a "dog" per se. Let's try this one more time:

Isn't she cute? She likes to play fetch with the Frisbee. Oh, wait, that's not a dog at all, but a Humpback Whale playing in the ocean, and without a Frisbee present. I thought I hit it on the head. Last chance, please be a dog.


Awww. He's adorable. Just like me. The maxim is true.

You can actually adopt the dog above. His name's Bogie, and he needs a great home. Just click his name to find out more. And please remember, if you're looking for a dog, make sure you come home with a dog, and not a Mountain Gorilla.

Jared