The Big Apple

New York City is the Big Apple. To find out why, I could consult Wikipedia. Or Google. Or a Farmer's Almanac. Using those resources, I would probably find the answer(s) in a short amount of time. I'm not going to do that, however. Instead, I'm going to postulate my own reasons (or as we would say in law school, "throw it on the wall and see if it sticks"). This will take more time. This will require brain cells, deep thought, and creativity.

New York is the Big Apple because:

1. It's shiny.
2. It's big.
3. It's packed with fiber.
4. One New York City a day keeps the doctor away [This was beyond cheesy, but I kept it].
5. They grow a lot of apples in New York State and since New York City is the biggest city in New York, it's known as the Big Apple.
6. It's tasty.
7. Apple pie is awesome.
8. You just want to take a big bite out of it.
9. I like hookers.
10. I mean strip clubs.
11. I mean going to public libraries and reading books.
12. I mean, what am I talking about?
13. I mean, oh, yeah, apples.
Yes, The Big Apple it is, but I'm not here to write about The Big Apple. No, I'm here to write, literally, about apples. There is a well-known expression, "...the greatest thing since sliced bread." I always found it to be very funny. Just thinking about sliced bread being a great invention cracks me up. It's like saying, "she's the hottest girl since Boof from Teen Wolf." Either way, I've come across a great, if not the greatest, invention ever [Probably not the greatest, in fact].


It's an apple divider. It is mind-blowingly amazing. On a scale of "Beyond dumb" to "Now I can die" this registers as "I'll kill you if you even look at it fondly." It's not even a new invention. It's been around for years, I'm sure [I'm not sure]. How did I not have one of these growing up? In college? In law school? In The Big Apple? What have I been doing with my life. Not having cable for 4 years, understandable. I hate media conglomerates such as Time Warner. I chose to stand up against media oppression through market means. Not having a toaster for 8 years, understandable. Where would it fit on my 1 square foot of kitchen counter space? Nowhere. How often do I really toast bread? Rarely. Did I miss making toaster waffles and Pop-Tarts? So much. Every time I walked through the frozen food section of the grocery store, past the half-foggy, glass doors full of frozen Eggo Waffles, organic buttermilk waffles, strawberry, blueberry, banana waffles, a little bit of me died. Let's not even talk about Pop-Tarts. I fear that my tears will short-circuit my keyboard. Not having an apple divider? Now I can see that that was sacrilege. It's fantastic. It cores and slices. Perfectly. It gives you the most amount of apple from your apple [This should be the tag-line].

Think about it. You buy an apple. You hold it in your hand, you wash off the pesticides and residual wax, and you dry it with paper towel or the bottom of your shirt. You're ready to sink your teeth in like the animal, vampire, hulking, salivating, maniacal beast that you are. Canines ripping apple skin and watery pulp. Juice flies everywhere. It's messy. It drizzles down your fingers. It's sticky. It's an apple.

You bite around. You have your own method for consumption, just like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Maybe you stick to the middle then chew off the top and bottom. Maybe you start at the top and work your way down. It's up to you. Unfortunately, you never get as close to the seeds as possible because you don't want to (a) eat the seeds or (b) impair the structural frame of the apple which could cause it to split in half and make the rest of the apple difficult to consume.

The next time, you decide to cut your own slices. You grab a knife and start slicing, but it's still imperfect, inefficient. This is where the apple divider steps in. It gets mechanically close to the core, leaving nothing but the thinnest cylinder to discard. The rest of the apple is sectioned and sliced into 8 equal slices. It takes less than 5 seconds to do. It's a joy to behold. I bought it yesterday and already have consumed two apples. I think you see where this is going.

There is another well-known expression: "You are what you eat."
I think after discovering the life-changing apple divider, whenever someone refers to the Big Apple, please double check and make sure that they're not talking about me, thanks.

Jared